tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2009-11-14:/MokoFeed2009-11-14T16:12:35+01:00tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-11-12:/2007/11/12/title~3287115/chl0egreen2007-11-12T22:00:18+01:002007-11-12T22:00:18+01:00 <p>stop checking up on me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/11/12/title~3287115/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-10-28:/2007/10/28/28th_october~3209421/chl0egreen2007-10-28T19:54:38+01:002007-10-28T21:12:04+01:00 <p>I am kidding myself if I think things are getting any better. I can't talk to anyone about anything that I need to, and I never will be able to. </p> <p>I know I still wouldn't have the bottle to hang myself, or jump off a bridge or anything like that. But I would be able to take another overdose if I thought what I was taking would do the trick. I thought the last two attempts would work at the time, so I know I could go through with it. I know how it feels to lie there and wonder how many breaths you have left, and I was fine with it. It was sort of a nice feeling. I researched loads of things on the internet about what to take and after my dabbles with paracetamol and codeine failed, I sort of came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do it with would be Heroin, or Barbituates. The Heroine option is just scary as I don't really know how to do it. And I thought the Barbituates option wasn't possible as I'd never be able to convince a Doctor into prescribing me them. They are sleeping tablets that you can only get on prescription, and any Doctor would see my history with overdoses and pretty much laugh at me. Both of those drugs are supposed to bring about a peaceful and non painful death. </p> <p>This is where things are looking up for me. My new job means I can EASILY get my hands on large quantities of these drugs. The dispensary is right next to the reception and there is never anyone in there; I hand these drugs out to people everyday. I'm just not sure how to do it. Should I steal a couple everyday until I have a large enough stash to take next time I feel really down, or do I just take a massive box of them and hope no-one notices? I'm pretty sure a missing box would get picked up on after a while but it wouldn't matter if I had already taken them all. If I mixed them together with some painkillers that we give to large animals, I'm pretty sure it would be effective. Why didn't I fucking think of this earlier? It is meant to be. </p> <p>*EDIT- I just googled Phenobarb overdose, it stops your breathing when you are unconscious. So basically is painless. This is exactly what I've been looking for. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/10/28/28th_october~3209421/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-10-25:/2007/10/26/25th_october~3196107/chl0egreen2007-10-26T00:11:18+02:002007-10-26T00:11:18+02:00 <p>I just saw the film "Control" about the lead singer of Joy Division Ian Curtis who hung himself aged just 23.</p> <p>The film was amazing, and by the end I was hysterically crying. It wasn't really a sob-worthy film, and I don't think I saw anyone else shed a tear; I was an absolute wreck.</p> <p>It just reminded me of my mindset a few months back. I don't mean to sound like I compare myself to him or anything, but it really hit a nerve. I started crying when he was writing his last note. I know what it is like to try and put something into words, something worthy of leaving to everyone you love, but nothing is good enough. No words can come out to explain how you feel. It makes you feel even more inadequate and just fuels your desire for non-existance. I know what it is like to be just doing some mundane task, and then to look around and see an object and it starts the cogs moving in your head....how can I hurt myself with that? Or what can i do to end it all with the resources I have here?</p> <p>In those desperate moments nothing else matters but how you feel. Some might consider that selfish, and that you should think of everyone else around you. But then I would just say you have never experienced a low that extreme.</p> <p>I love a lot of people. I have a lot of amazing people around me, but despite that, at times I have wished I didn't exist. I'd be lying if I said the feelings had gone completely. Mostly to stop my own pain, but also to stop hurting and disappointing other people. It would hurt them for a bit, but then the pain would gradually subside, and I wouldn't be there to disappoint anymore. People have told me that they would rather I hurt them everyday than be dead. But I don't believe they understand what I mean.</p> <p>I wish I didn't need anyone else. I never used to. I wish I had someone to talk to when I needed to, but I don't. Everyone thinks I'm "well" again, and on the whole I am. But I still feel shit sometimes, and it's even worse now. I can't talk to people because they just worry. So I'm stuck here bottling it all up until I break down again. And I know I will. It's just a matter of time. </p> <p>I need to be on my own to learn how to live again, but I can't cope with my own thoughts alone. And it is no-one elses responsibility to help me. </p> <p>The last 5/6 months are just a blur; an existance, not a life. I haven't been living, I've been passing time, but what for? I just want to get out of my own head. I want to take a new drug to just numb it all, but anything I can think of just heightens already existing emotions. Apart from one. I know it works, I've felt it before. But I can't even let that thought enter my head. I've been trying to fight it, but I'm not sure there is another way. Only one other person in the world knows what I mean by that, and he doesn't give a fuck anyway. I'm going in the right direction, but too slow for my liking. I wish I could stop feeling, just for a bit. I need a fucking break. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/10/26/25th_october~3196107/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-10-22:/2007/10/22/22nd_october~3179928/chl0egreen2007-10-22T23:43:18+02:002007-10-22T23:43:18+02:00 <p>This post is going to make me sound like an awful human being.</p> <p>First things first. Me and Rob are back in contact. It's really nice so far, I do love him and I do care about him. I like knowing he's okay and things about his life. I'm just not sure if it's the best thing for me. Knowing he cares about me still makes me feel good, but almost as soon as the contact ends I start to think bad things again, and get angry or upset. I try not to think about him but it is inevitable that being in touch will mean he is on my mind more. Anna got really mad when I told her how things are with us. She thinks that he's fucking with my head and that because he knows me so well he should know to leave me alone, I don't agree really. But maybe I'm not doing the best thing for myself. If we weren't in touch I'd be hurting about that instead though.</p> <p>I had the weirdest weekend ever really. Anna came down from Leeds and we went to the Academy on Friday night. I had a proper good night. Last Friday at Clockwork some guy I vaguely know gave me .5 of MD for nothing so me and Spam worked our way through that. As far as MD goes it was pretty weak but we had drank so much that we were fucking battered. Anna’s train got in really late so we just hit it really hard when we got to town. I saw Dan and Ross in The Hatchet. I was a bit embarrassed about the Dan thing so I pretty much ignored him which was a bit stupid. I spoke to Ross and their mate Fowler was being sleazy so we left and went to the Academy. Didn't speak to Dan at all, and then he MySpaced me on Sat and has been ever since. Treat 'em mean and all that. I do like Dan, he's a nice guy, and I love the attention, and he's hot. But I don't want a relationship right now. I miss having someone close but I'm so bitter and untrusting right now that I'm happier on my own. I'm quite enjoying just doing what the fuck I want. It doesn't feel like it used to. I don't feel used, or dirty. I wanted to sleep with Dan, so I did, and now it's still fine. I don't know what's changed? I'm still convinced that trouble will restart if I develop a relationship with anyone. Robert Ward fucked my head up real good when it comes to building trust and being close to someone so it won't happen anytime soon, I won't let it. Me and Spam had so much fun, just dancing about and chatting to so many random people. This guy called Rob, who me and Vicki have been calling Elbow Boy for years, got left with us when his friends left and he was loads of fun too. He’s one of those boys that you sort of wished you fancied, because he's a proper laugh but nothing else. When it came to closing time we were so high that we couldn't bear to go home so were shouting at the Dj to play more. Obviously he didn't oblige so we dragged Elbow Boy to Mr Wolfs, where it seems I am not banned at all like I thought I was! We were just dancing, when I saw all of the boys from The Apple, minus Cey. I totally ignored them because last time I made a proper scene and I was sort of embarrassed. Cey's best mate Craig came over and chatted to me for ages about Cey and everything that had happened. He was really sound about it all, and told me that Cey had cried about me and the situation to him. It sort of made me feel a bit better, I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just a bit sadistic. Maybe I wasn't as throwaway as I thought. Elbow Boy kept going on about how Craig was so amazing because he is a world class BMX-er. Me and Spam kept telling him to shut up because we didn't care. </p> <p>When Mr Wolfs closed about 5am and me and Spam still weren't up for coming home so we dragged Elbow Boy and Craig back home with us to drink some more. It wasn't "like that" with either of them. It was just all friendly, and Craig has a long term girlfriend. I remember being at home and chatting bollocks to them both about Danny Upps, because Elbow Boy knows him really well. Anna had some poppers so we just got absolutely fucking wasted. I remember Anna went to bed and Craig kept trying to make me sit on his lap. I didn't think anything of it, and I was pretty surprised when Elbow Boy went to bed and Craig tried kissing me. To be honest I was absolutely wasted and quite obliging. I don't really fancy him, but Ju and Flic think he's beautiful so it sort of made me think I should? I remember getting stuck in my dress and him having to help me, I remember kissing him on my bed, I remember being naked and err a few other things but then I spilt the bottle of Poppers on my bed and I remember nothing after that point! I wouldn't be surprised if I just fell asleep, although inevitably I will be too embarrassed to ask next time I see him. I sort of only did it to piss Cey off. I think they are both pretty shit people, they both have girlfriends and they are supposed to be best friends? Maybe girls have different rules when it comes to stuff like this but I'd never shag someone that my mate did a few weeks ago. I might even tell his girlfriend, depends how he acts with me next time I see him. I was a bit worried about going in The Apple, but now it will just be funny. Me and Spam went to town on the Saturday to do some shopping, and we went for a drink in the King William. When we were walking there I was chatting some bollocks, when 3 guys walked past. I didn't even notice until Spam went "Who was that, he was HOT?" Apparently some guy had walked past looking at me, and I turned back and saw it was Cey. What a coincidence, I ignored him by accident. He deserves worse. </p> <p>We watched the rugby on Sat night; I didn't give a fuck and got absolutely wankered on Old Rosie Cider. It didn't take a lot after the night before. Then we went to town, had a few drinks and made our way to the Academy again. We got on the Mud again, which was WAY better than the night before. I was FUCKED. At one point I couldn't be arsed to rack up a line so I just put the note in the bag, and way too much went up my nose. Oopsy. Rahzel was fucking awesome, and he gave me one of his roses! Klashnekoff was next, he's so hot! He was the highlight for me; although he finished way too early and seemed really pissed off about the lack of attendance. I have never seen the Academy so empty. Killa Kela was amazing too, and he finished off with a bit of D n B which went down a bloody treat. Pad bailed which was a shame as I was really looking forward to reliving the old days and partying damn hard with him. Tom Kitten was out though and that boy is so lovely. He kept dancing with me, and I think it was doable, but my brother would have gone mad if I got with another one of his friends, and erm I was in a bit of pain from the night before. We came home, and stayed up till about 6am, same as usual! I bloody love my Frampton boys. There is not one person I remotely dislike. Spent yesterday coming down and complaining about having to watch the Grand Prix. I did get quite cidered up though, which was fun. Jack came round which was awkward at first because of the history with him and Spam but she held it together really well and the tension let up after a while. </p> <p>I just worked today, I'm still loving it. It fucking tires me out though; I had to sleep when I got home. I'm going to bed now.</p> <p>Ooh I just weighted myself and I'm ten stone! Woooooo. Although I think by tomorrow that will have changed as I ate bloody loads for tea. I need to book myself in for another blood test tomorrow</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/10/22/22nd_october~3179928/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-10-17:/2007/10/17/17th_october~3152306/chl0egreen2007-10-17T19:50:07+02:002007-10-17T19:50:07+02:00 <p>Today was the fourth worst day of my life. I have been trying not to dwell on, or think about this but now it has been and gone. I just want to go to sleep for 10 years. I feel so sick too. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/10/17/17th_october~3152306/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-10-07:/2007/10/07/7th_october~3098454/chl0egreen2007-10-07T16:36:11+02:002007-10-07T16:36:11+02:00 <p>I'm just baking a MASSIVE chocolate cake; I have become quite a pro recently!</p> <p>Right my weekend in Leeds.....</p> <p>..was fucking epic. It was probably quite run of the mill- see everyone - get trashed but I am feeling quite a lot better in myself. Everyone was making comments about how I seem to be back to my old self and that they really enjoyed seeing me. Apart from the obvious Spam and Nat, it was amazing to spend time with Tom, Wynne and a bit of Lambourne too. I forgot how fun Chris Wynne is and how well we get along. It probably helps that I'm not living with them too.</p> <p>I got to Leeds on Thurs evening. It was pissing down but as soon as I walked out of the train station I felt as if I was home. I'm not sure why I love Leeds so much, we've just bonded! I went to Arts Cafe to see Nat, and meet Spam and Eva was working too. Eva is so pretty, and so much nicer for not realising it. We had a couple of glasses of wine and then went to Milo. The barman from Milo is LOVELY. We were chatting to him a bit, then I saw him at the end of the night in a takeaway place and he gave me a locket (my voice went completely last weekend, I sounded like a freak) and then I saw him in town the next day too! I was too shy to speak to him but he was looking. I have realised that I have COMPLETELY lost my ability to chat up men. In fact I'm not even sure I ever had one. I always think that men don't fancy me. The first night I hooked up with Rob it took him to come back to Laylas and stay up till the early hours with me until I realised he MIGHT be interested. And that time I got with Vickis friend at Reading, I thought his invite into his tent for a spliff was just that, and promptly left afterwards. I felt like a bit of a twat the next day when he told me it was basically a proposition. So yeh, Thurs night, Spam and Nat had work the next day so we went back to their house, and I was planning to just go to bed. But then Tom got back, and I was pretty pissed and I hadn't seen him or his friends since Jan so we ended up going to Wire. I had a lovely night, it was just me, Tom, Cormac and Dan but it was proper fun to catch up with Mr Lascelles, and have him look after me as always. I was LASHED, a rum and coke was £1.60, it was obscene.</p> <p>I was meant to meet Rob the next day for an hour but I hadn't really realised that he had agreed to it, I thought he just said he would to shut me up and that he had no intention of being there. So I didn't set my alarm, and wasn't there when he was. He was annoyed obviously, and I was annoyed at myself. </p> <p>On Friday me and Wynne went to town and just pottered about, I had fuckloads to do but Wynne's sloth-like attitude rubbed off on me and I didn't do any of it. It was Wynne’s actual birthday and we went to the Royal Park pub, and they did karaoke. Oh my lord it was bad. I went home early and went to bed because my throat was fucking killing and I didn't want to feel rubbish for the actual party. I had a nice chat with Sally who I'd never really spoken to on a one-to-one basis and it was good to talk to everyone just in a pub environment. </p> <p>On Saturday we went to town again and I got myself an outfit and Spam a present. Once again I must reiterate; I love Leeds. Saturday night was the night of the party. So many funny as fuck things happened, and I'd love to write gushingly about everyone here but I don't have the time. And to be honest I don't remember most of the night. Me, Nat and her bloke went to a couple of house parties after, and it felt like being in Leeds a year ago. I met so many new people, or people I'd not properly got to know previously, and it was great because they knew nothing about me. I was just being me, and being liked. I met a lovely boy, but erm he was called Rob, and that would just be weird. Alex came to the party too, it was awesome to see him, although I was a bit conscious that I should sort of keep my distance and it worked well. No weirdness at all. I stayed up until about nine Sunday morning and then totally couldn't sleep because of all the pills. It wasn't a bad thing. We went to Faversham on Sunday evening to get a roast dinner and to see some acoustic acts. I ate my dinner, and it promptly came back up afterwards but it did make me feel a lot better and soon I was up for getting on 2-4-1 cocktails with Lambourne and Wynne! I was wasted. Not really drunk, mostly just getting topped up from the previous days excesses. We saw a load of people from the night before as well because they all work there, and I was chatting to their mate Kitch, who is really nice for a proper stoner!</p> <p>Sadly, I had to go home on the Monday, and slept for about 24hours afterwards. Considering all the problems with my blood levels at the mo, I think I did pretty fucking well to be involved in all of it. I really didn't want to come home. And now I really want to go back. I think I'm aiming to be back there by the New Year. Everyone is working 9-5 now, apart from Wynne, and things are totally different. I didn't feel like the odd one out anymore. It was almost a role reversal on Thurs night when I was getting ready to go out at midnight and Spam and Nat were going to bed. I miss everyone so much too. Spam is coming down to visit in 2 weeks time, and hopefully Nat will come too. </p> <p>Not a lot has happened since last weekend. My Dad has gone on holiday, which I'm a bit sad about. Me and Dad have been getting on really well recently. Suddenly he has seemed to realise that I don't want to just slot into his and Cheryl’s life and that I want him to make time to see me. So instead of just flippantly inviting me over there for tea, he has been coming to see me here and taking me out. I value it a lot more and it makes me feel as if he values me a lot more.</p> <p>I am not signed off sick from work anymore, and I have been looking for a part time job. It has to be part time because I have no energy until my blood is corrected. I have applied for a part time receptionist/clerical role for the animal charity PDSA. I love animals, and I think I would really look forward to going to work if I got it. The pay is fuck all, but right now I don't need much cash. I just want to ease myself back into work. </p> <p>Shit...I forgot to mention my Doctors appointment. Last week I had my appointment with Dr Brooks, and we did the Rewind under sort of a hyponsis/ meditating environment. I don't want to explain the ins and outs of the therapy here because I worry I might undo the good if I think about it too deeply. I don't even know if it worked, I'm not sure how I will be able to tell? BUT I have been feeling positive, however that may just be because I've been having a good few days. She looked at my latest blood results and my iron stores are still WELL below what they should be. Between 11 and 305 is normal, and mine are 3. She has changed my medication and hopes this will help. I have another appointment in a few weeks and she says we should see an improvement by then. </p> <p>Friday night.... I went out with Ju and her bloke. We drank champagne before we went. I don't know what it is about champagne but it is guaranteed to make me happy drunk, I love it. We went to Sublime and met Vicki, and some other people. Then we went to the hatchet where we bumped into Rob Thomas! Long time no see, but all was well. Had a good chat, he said he was a bit worried about me. Who isn't?</p> <p>I saw Ross there and was badgering him onto coming to a club. I have seen Ross out loads recently, he always hugs me, and gives me a kiss on the forehead, and we have exchanged a few myspace messages but I thought it was just friendly? He came to Ramshackle in the end and I was well pleased to see him, he was with Dan etc. Me and Dan have got history, I've kissed him a million times but I think Ross got a bit funny about it? They're like best mates but recently I've been getting on really well with Ross. I don't fancy him and I don't think he fancies me. A few weeks back he tried to kiss me and I told him not to because I had a boyfriend (I didn't) but then I kissed Dan the same night. Oh well. If you ask me Ross shouldn't be trying it on with Dan’s interests. For example if erm Vicki kissed Dan I'd be angry. Not because I really like him, just because you don't do that! I ended up staying at Dan’s house. I've known him since I was about 17, it was all very relaxed. He's so easy to get along with, and all in all I had a lot of fun with him. I really fancy him too, I think he's about 28 and he certainly knows what he's doing in that department. He has his tongue pierced too, and it was the most fun I'd had in a long time! The best bit is that I didn't feel weird after or during or anything. I think it is purely because of our year’s worth of history. He was really really affectionate after too which was nice. Dan never has girlfriends and has a reputation for being a bit of a ladies man so I was quite surprised by this. ALSO Cey is NEVER in the academy, he knows I go there but I have never seen him there. But he was there on Friday. He walked in when I was kissing Dan, it was quite funny. He looked well pissed off. What a twat. He wasn't with his normal entourage of male friends either so I imagine he may have felt a little awkward. Good. Julie thought he was there to see me, but I doubt it. I know his phone is broke again. I hope he's girlfriendless and STILL dateless. Although I doubt it because he's beautiful. </p> <p>I went to Tracey’s last night for tea, and Pete and Freda came too. It was lovely to see everyone and nice to have a quiet night after the previous evenings activities. I was feeling quite fragile, and erm couldn't possibly have gone out again because I'm covered in carpet burns. Nice. </p> <p>I really hope I get this job, hopefully I'll find out tomorrow!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/10/07/7th_october~3098454/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-10-06:/2007/10/06/6th_october~3095915/chl0egreen2007-10-06T23:54:20+02:002007-10-06T23:54:20+02:00 <p>I will update properly tomorrow, I have loads to write about nearly two weeks worth of things! I'm going to bed now because I'm knackered but I had to write this because I can't tell people- I slept with Danny Upps! Haha, dear lord. I was normal too, no mentalness. Things are getting better. I'll write the full story tomorrow. I'm quite pissed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/10/06/6th_october~3095915/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-24:/2007/09/24/24th_september~3030972/chl0egreen2007-09-24T10:55:19+02:002007-09-24T10:55:19+02:00 <p>I have a lot to write today</p> <p>Just got back from the doctors, I went for various reasons. My haemoglobin levels are really low at the moment (7 as opposed to the average 12) so I’ve been on iron tablets. I didn’t really realise it was as serious as it is; I just thought anaemia was pretty common. Apparently slight anaemia is ok, but my levels are dangerously low and the nurse said it could be a major contributing factor to why I’ve been feeling so low, and she also said that my concentration spam must be awful too. I hadn’t noticed but I’ve not been at work. Basically I had to have a blood test today to make sure they haven’t dropped any further. She said after only a month on iron tablets you wouldn’t really expect them to have improved (that’s more of a 3 month timescale) but if they drop any more I will have to have a blood transfusion. A FUCKING BLOOD TRANSFUSION! That’s pretty serious isn’t it? So yeh, one more thing for me to worry about, lush. </p> <p>I told Cey to stop ringing me and that I don’t want to speak to him again. He rang me about 5 times over the weekend. He’s only doing it to make sure I’m sorting things out. He’s not even nice. He pretends to care about me, but only so I’ll do what he wants and he’s scared of the consequences if I don’t right now. Fuck him, or not as the case may be. He’s a typical male scumbag. I smacked his friend, spoke to him like absolute shite, and he still wants to shag me. What a twat. Men have no morals. </p> <p>I had a fucking lovely few days with Laura last week. I was feeling soooooooooooo shite on Wednesday that last minute I got a train ticket to Paignton in Devon because I knew she had a few days off. Got there just before tea time, she lives just by the station so we went back to her flat and dumped my stuff and then went to this cool bar called the Boathouse where she works. There were loads of people there who Laura works with, about 20 or something silly and it was really nice and social. I had the biggest plate of Nachos the world has ever seen, and I only managed half or less. They were ENORMOUS. I had a few drinks, enough to feel tipsy but not drunk and it was fun. It was good and made a change to meet new people (new men especially) in a non bar/club environment. Usually if a man starts talking to me in a bar/club my guard goes up straight away even if he is hot, but this was all so relaxed and not like that. She has a lovely friend called Tim who kept buying us drinks, and wouldn’t let us buy him any back, so it was a pretty cheap night for me. This Tim was also quite hot although he reminded me of Tad from Neighbours from years ago. Not a bad thing I suppose. I was pretty much on form. I like meeting new people out of my new surroundings because they know nothing about me, and I can turn on the charm ad be whoever I want to be. I know that when I am not being a miserable bitch I am in fact quite likeable. </p> <p>Momentarily I thought that maybe moving to Devon would be a good idea. It would definitely be beneficial to my health. There is not really any nightlife, so they do wholesome social activities like surfing, or playing crazy golf, or just having a “few” drinks as opposed to my “many” on the average night out. There’s no room for taking drugs because there is nowhere to go and take them, and maybe a life off the drugs and alcohol would, and taking up some sports would be good for me. But as if I could live like that. I miss Leeds so much right now; if I lived any further away from the city I think I’d go mental. Going out and getting fucked is my outlet and way of letting off steam; god knows what would happen to me without it. So yeh, I ruled that idea out almost as soon as I came up with it!</p> <p>The day after the Boathouse, we went to Newquay! We were going to a secret gig of a band called Them Is Me. It was basically half of the old band Reef, the drummer from Bassment Jaxx, and a guitarist for Lady Sovereign. I wasn’t too arsed about seeing the band although all Laura’s surfy friends were nearly wetting their male knickers about it. The support band was called the Sycamores and someone said they supported Arctic Monkeys on their tour? Fuck knows. This band was fucking awesome though. I have checked their myspace and the stuff on there is old and does not compare one bit. Them Is Me were quite frankly the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever paid a fiver to watch. It was like going back to the 90’s when grunge was big (and still shit). It was just quite tragic to see, I think they even had a song called “are you ready for caveman love?” or some other bullshit. Everyone else loved them. So I went and chatted to the support band who were at in the corner looking equally unimpressed. Proper nice guys, said they might be coming to Bristol soon. Ace. After we left we went to Fistral Bay for a smoke, and it was almost euphoric. The weather was pretty treacherous, but my senses felt alive with it all. It was perfect for bringing me down after the gig and then we went back to the campsite. One of Laura’s mates knew the guy who owns Tregustick campsite and he opened it especially for us because it’s out of season, which was really nice of him! I came home the next day and went for a sleep.</p> <p>I’ve tried to have a weekend off the drink, haven’t touched a drop and I’ve been drinking shed loads of water to give my body a bit of a boost. I feel pretty good for it to be honest. I haven’t really been out all weekend. I read a whole book one day, a proper cheesy love story that Laura lent me and I loved it. Maybe I am more girly than I give myself credit for. I also downloaded a thing on the internet where you can download whole albums in like 7 mins. So all weekend I’ve been doing that, and filling up my Ipod. I thought I was a bit bored with music but not right now. I’ve found my excitement for it again and I’m finding I haven’t got enough minutes in the day to listen to everything I want. </p> <p>A few shit things have happened too but I do not want to write about them because I have been trying to keep them out of my mind and not let them upset me. So far it’s working. I’ll write about it next time I’m crying about it. </p> <p>On a plus, I’m slowly putting weight back on. I’m 9.5 stone now, I want to be 10. I have noticed it mostly in my cupsize, but also on my arms and the tops of my legs. I checked my body mass index, it should be between 18.5 and 24.9 for my height, and mine is 20! So no-one can bitch at me for being too skinny anymore. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/24/24th_september~3030972/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-17:/2007/09/17/17th_september~2996949/chl0egreen2007-09-17T23:24:37+02:002007-09-17T23:24:37+02:00 <p>Today has been shit. I've just been on my own because Mum is still on holiday. I've been trying to clean the house, like properly sort stuff out because it's never been done fully since they moved on 3 years ago. Things have gotten pretty desperate if I'm cleaning to entertain myself.</p> <p>I'm going to try and not go out this weekend, I need a detox. I want to go to Leeds at the end of the month too for Spam and Wynnes birthday so I need to save my pennies. I'm getting addicted to ebay, I've bought SOOOOO many cool clothes on there recently, it's a shame I have no life or anywhere to wear them.</p> <p>I updated my photo album yesterday with various pics of nights out and festivals over the summer. I tried to skip the me and Rob pictures but it fell open at the photo of when me and him went to Elbow Room for Krafty Kuts, and a sob-fest began, I just wish I was that happy again. I ended up looking through all the photos and I used to be happy. Maybe not all the time, but most of the time. There were pics of my 21st with Sam, pics of various house parties in Leeds, pictures of me and Rob and they all remind me of happy times. Then there are the pictures of this summer and I'm smiling for the camera but I know I wasn't happy. I look skinny, and ill, and I wonder how long after that picture was taken was I crying again? I just want to stop feeling like this. Everyone says it will happen, but I've been trying really hard recently to push through it, and nothing is changing. I wonder will I ever be able to just be normal again. I am really lonely at the moment. I feel awkward staying at Mums but if I'm here I am just on my own. Aimee has gone back to uni, and everyone else works. I've been advised not to get a job so fuck knows what I'm supposed to do. I'm not sleeping again either so that's making me feel shit too. I sound like a fucking broken record don't I? I thought things were changing. These years are supposed to be the best years of my life. I wish my life was over. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/17/17th_september~2996949/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-16:/2007/09/16/16th_september~2990746/chl0egreen2007-09-16T21:41:25+02:002007-09-16T21:41:25+02:00 <p>Cey just called me to say he has a new phone. I wish he hadn't. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/16th_september~2990746/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-16:/2007/09/16/forget_you_i_wish_i_could~2989287/chl0egreen2007-09-16T17:20:42+02:002007-09-16T17:20:42+02:00 <p>I feel like shit. I think the only reason I haven't done something silly is because I'm puppy sitting and she is a pretty good distraction.</p> <p>On friday night I cut my arms up really bad. I had drank a bottle of wine and was really really down. It just turns my furious rage into tears, which is easier to deal with I suppose. I have been trying really hard to hide it and no-one has noticed yet but I'm sure my Mum will. I sound like a fucking angsty teenager but it honestly temporarily relieves something.</p> <p>Last night was another awful night. I went out with Laura and her new chap Phil for a few drinks and everything was fine. I was having so much fun, and purposely avoided The Apple so I wouldn't see Cey. I'm banned from Thekla now by the way after Thursday nights behaviour. We went to Sublime, The King William, The Old Duke and then to Mr Wolfs! I really thought Mr Wolfs was a safe bet as I never see anyone I know in there, I was having an ace night until the the fucking staff from The Apple walked in. I had a massive row with Cey, who has now finished with his girlfriend of three years. He's a fucking arrogant twat and I wish he had just left me alone from the start. </p> <p>I was so drunk, I can't remember why but I did smack someone and got kicked out from there too. I am just one big ball of rage at the moment, I am angry with myself and literally everyone else and it is becoming more and more uncontrollable. I wasn't even sorry and I'm sure he was pretty awful to me to provoke that reaction, but it's not acceptable and pretty soon I'll get in trouble for it. I was sick again last night. I'm just in self destruct mode fully at the moment and I really don't know how to stop it. Rob is out of my life and I'm still being mental. I can't blame him anymore. I'm not a horrible person so why do I keep acting like this? Cey did actually call me mental last night so now he's seen the real me too. I don't know how to end this horrible cycle that I seem to have got myself into. I need to get out of Bristol. It is too small. But I'm not strong enough to be somewhere on my own right now. I don't know what to do. Again. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/forget_you_i_wish_i_could~2989287/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-14:/2007/09/14/14th_september~2978958/chl0egreen2007-09-14T13:11:54+02:002007-09-14T13:11:54+02:00 <p>Just when I think everything is looking up, I get put back in my place again.</p> <p>Last night was horrible and I have a feeling it is going to get worse. </p> <p>Hannah came round mine, we drank a bottle of wine, I had my confidence out for some reason, and I was quite aware that I looked pretty hot. We went to town, Hannah wanted to go to The Apple as she’d never been before and I was more than willing!</p> <p>Cey was working, looking lovely as ever. I made Hannah go get first drinks cos I don’t like to seem like I only go there to see him. He soon spotted me, came over for a chat, told me I looked hot and asked me to go to Thekla with him when he finished work. This was pretty much the plan anyway so I said I might, all was going to plan. He was being proper flirty with me all night, it was really nice, and he was giving us free drinks, so I was fucking hammered by the end. We left The Apple and went to Sublime for a couple, where the barman was trying to chat me up too. Then we went to Thekla, it was some Indie/Electro night. I’ve grown to like some Indie but this was all proper pretentious wank. I don’t think I recognised one song, there was never anyone on the dance floor and the Dj was a cunt. So we went upstairs and sat down and drank more (a G&T was £1.50, I was fucked). I was having a really fun night so far. We saw Ross, Danny Upps, and their fit mate who I saw at Reading, they were a laugh as always and a bit of an ego boost. Me and Hannah went off to see if the music had got better so we could have a dance, and saw Cey coming in and he came downstairs with us. Me and Hannah went off to harass the dj and he went to find his mates from work. I saw his mate Stu too who apologised for his behaviour last time. Stu was really nice last night; I don’t think he’s a dick anymore. Anyway, saw Cey later on and he was really really off with me, I couldn’t understand why because it was a drastic change from how he was earlier, and he’d actually asked me to go with him to Thekla? He then told me that he’s got a girlfriend and that I was just a shag. He said I was so hot that he couldn’t say no. He fucking chased me not the other way round, he made it sound as if I threw myself at him but the last thing I was thinking was that I wanted to jump into bed with someone. The man who raped me told me I had it coming because of how I looked. Men are so fucking twisted. I’m so sick of being used. This upset me a lot, why did he bother to do everything he did if he has a girlfriend? Why text me to tell me how amazing I am, why get so emotionally into all my shit, why get me to go to Thekla if he’s just going to be like that? I recon that somebody turned up who could have got him in trouble with his girlfriend and he just had to. He is in so much trouble if I ever find out who she is. I was so fucking angry with him anyway. I don’t really like him or anything but he was a good distraction from Rob. And now it’s just left me feeling used and worthless. Again. I caused a massive scene in the middle of Thekla anyway and today I’ve got a message off Ross who barely knows me saying he was really worried about me. I think I made a proper idiot out of myself and now everyone will know how mental I am. Just as I was enjoying going out in Bristol again. Why didn’t I realise he had a girlfriend? His bedroom was a fucking tip, there were no photos around, I didn’t see any signs of a girl in his life. I feel humiliated. Now I’m worried Hannah won’t speak to me anymore because she saw how mental I really am. I text Rob too, which I am really angry at myself for doing. I text Hannah to say sorry but I’m sure it’s not really a consolation when she had to witness her friend try and throw herself off the side of a massive boat. </p> <p>It gets worse. </p> <p>I stopped taking my pill 3 days ago for the break for my period and I haven’t come on. I’m too scared to take a test after how awful it was last time. I’m such a fucking idiot. I’ve been so shit at taking my pill recently because I simply haven’t needed to worry if I take it late so I could have missed it at any point before I slept with him. I definitely took it okay after. I have a really bad feeling. I must actually be the most fertile person in the world. Why don’t I learn from my mistakes? And why the fuck was I having unprotected sex with a barman who I suspected of being a bit of a player anyway?</p> <p>I’ve been trying so hard. But right now I feel like I need help, and I don’t know where to turn? When things start to go shit I can always feel it happening and I think it’s going to happen again this weekend. My Mum is going away, my Dad is useless and my brother is going out. I’ll be on my own. I’m already on my own. It’s a horrible feeling. Right now I wish I was dead. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/14/14th_september~2978958/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-13:/2007/09/13/13th_september~2972795/chl0egreen2007-09-13T12:09:03+02:002007-09-13T12:09:03+02:00 <p>The last few days have been a bit shite. It was inevitable that somewhere in this good spell I would have a few down days, and here they are! I haven’t really been doing a lot. I started to look for a job, and got one! But then I was told by ADT that I have to work my notice, even though Neil told me I didn’t; so I have to be sick for another month. Wack. Hopefully though I will be able to find work as quickly again, and it also means I am able to enjoy this lovely weather in the garden. I am actually the brownest I think I have ever been, it’s a frickin miracle I tell you.</p> <p>I went to the pub to watch the football with my bro and some of the Frampton boys last night. My god the Golden Lion is a fucking dive these days, I can’t even begin to describe it. On the plus side; they do these crisps called cheese and ham toasties (no real ham obviously!) and they are immense. You can tell how dull my last few days have been when I’m writing about crisps. I didn’t really enjoy the football, since I was re-introduced to the sport by a certain Ward boy; it is very difficult to like any player that doesn’t play for Man United (or Arsenal!). Also along the way I seem to have developed a hatred for Steven Gerrard (the twat). So yes, watching the lovely Michael Owen score some goals was pleasant, but I did actually scream when Rio scored and got some weird looks. The inbred locals in the Lion didn’t seem to share my love for Rio, probably because he’s brown (or not blood-related to his missus.) The last bit of the first half, and the entire second half bored the arse off me, and I found myself deep in conversation with some locals. Cringe worthy. </p> <p>I want to go out tonight. Hannah isn’t working and has expressed that she might be up for it, so hopefully that will work out. Hannah is a lot of fun to go out with, and I’d be guaranteed to get wankered which is what I think I need right now. I sort of hope I see Cey tonight, I need to drop the “I’m so cool and aloof act” because in reality there is no way he is going say anything I want to hear in front of a group of my friends. My friends are probably a bit intimidating and he’s a bit shy. Last time I was in there every time I looked up he was looking at me from behind the bar, which is a good sign. I just need to be on my own with him! The boys are all going to St Paul carnival on Saturday which could probably be a lot of fun, but I’ll see what happens Fri night before I commit myself to anything. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/13/13th_september~2972795/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-12:/2007/09/12/12th_september~2967202/chl0egreen2007-09-12T12:00:29+02:002007-09-12T12:00:29+02:00 <p>Ok, here I am going to try to explain about yesterday’s session with Dr Brooks. At first she just asked me loads of questions about my past, my childhood, relationships, Rob, and then she got more specific. She had read all of my case notes from the people in Yate so it was much more fulfilling for me than having to just repeat everything for what would be about the tenth time by now. </p> <p>She then started to speak to me about how my brain works, and how she thinks we can help me. Some of this does sound a bit hippy-ish, and I am sceptical, BUT I am not ruling it out, and he therapy does seem to be based on a sound knowledge of how the brain works. </p> <p>She obviously (the same as everyone else) saw that “the incident” two years ago has affected my life hugely both emotionally and in the way I interact with others. Although I don’t ever think about it, and I feel pretty numb towards it, it is obviously in my unconscious somewhere causing me a lot of grief. She explained a lot to me about cognition and I can’t remember all of the terminology here! Basically for this we need to think of our brain as having two parts; one which deals with basic emotions and instincts such as pain, pleasure, sadness etc. This is the limbic system, and the other which I cannot remember the name of but this deals with problem solving and rationalising and more complex thought patterns. When our limbic system is highly aroused e.g. when I have been suicidal lately, we cannot rationalise properly using the other part of our brain. This would explain that when I get my doubts, and times of depression, I cannot see reality. It is not just a case of pull yourself together Chloe. </p> <p>Doctor Brooks seems to think two things will help me. These things are that under a sort of hypnotised or trance like state, we should think about what happened to me, and then do it in reverse, and back, and in reverse again, a few times. She thinks this memory is sat there in my limbic system attaching itself to all kinds of emotions and instincts, and in doing this; it might help it to pass to the other part of my brain where it can be dealt with rationally. Like I say, I am sceptical but Dr Brooks is very reputable and has been to Rwanda to help groups of children deal with their Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is one thing I was diagnosed with. </p> <p>She also mentioned that we need to teach my brain to stop associating all men with that vile disgusting man. At the moment subconsciously my brain treats all men as a potential threat and it can trigger anger and hurt, even if they are someone as close as my long term boyfriend. Apparently there are various exercises we can do to retrain my cognitions, and break this reaction. She mentioned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is what several Doctors have spoken to me about) and she said this is similar, although with CBT you can have to have up to 20 sessions to retrain your mind.</p> <p>Before I went home we did a sort of yoga relaxation technique which I have to do for ten minutes everyday until our next appointment to help my brain tune into its subconscious. I suppose I shouldn’t be so doubtful, because hypnotherapy has been a recognised means of treatment for years. Although when she did start going on about Yoga and relaxation techniques I thought “Oh Shit.”</p> <p>I am sceptical for another reason however and I will explain that. I don’t feel anything about that incident or anything towards the man who raped me. I sort of feel as if in the past few months I have tried so hard to deal with this, and slot it into its place inside my head. I talked to Dr Brooks at length about what happened, and didn’t feel anything, and didn’t even shed a tear. It was when we started talking about Rob that I was a wreck, I was absolutely choked with emotion, and couldn’t speak for crying. I hadn’t expected that. I don’t know what has happened but any pain or hurt I feel is now associated with him, and I don’t think this therapy will help because of that. She kept talking about “trauma” and that trauma was what we were dealing with, but I think me being raped has been replaced by what my brain considers to be a bigger trauma. And since it was not an actual event that can be processed I’m not sure this therapy will work. I also thought back to how I weirded out on Cey that night. I didn’t get upset for the same reasons I used to with Rob. I didn’t cry or get tense because I felt disgusted at myself, or that it reminded me of anything. I cried because it wasn’t Rob, and because I was disgusted with myself that Rob doesn’t fancy me anymore. It’s sort of as if everything has been transferred, and I’m not sure what to do about that. Now when I think of men and how I don’t trust them, I don’t think of being raped because I never trusted that man in the first place. I think of Rob and how he betrayed my trust. This is all so fucked up. Why can’t it be as simple as I didn’t trust men, but then I did trust one, and now everything is ok?! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/12/12th_september~2967202/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-10:/2007/09/10/10th_september~2955949/chl0egreen2007-09-10T14:00:27+02:002007-09-10T14:00:27+02:00 <p>Okay…quite a lot has happened, well not really but just stupid little insignificant things that I like to write about, and it’s been a few days since I last posted.</p> <p>Firstly, my brother bought me an Ipod! Me and him haven’t really been getting on that well recently, I’ve been a bit upset with him for various reasons and he’s been a bit distant with me. Last week he had to work something ridiculous like 75 hours to get a job finished, and so this week he bought me an Ipod, as my old one is broken and last week I was moaning how I missed music! Bless him. I sobbed when he gave it to me. I think Mum gave him a bit of cash for it but it was totally his idea and he paid most of it. So yeh, Russell is back in my good books heh.</p> <p>Went out Friday night just to The Globe for a curry buffet, which was lovely. Had a real chilled night there, it’s ace just to chill with the Frampton lot sometimes. Then we all got a coach to town! We went very predictably to Ramshackle (where I’ve been FAR too many times recently). I’m trying to lay off drugs, so I was just drinking but I’m getting a lot better at drinking recently. I used to get really tired or sometimes upset but the last few times I’ve been really happy, just dancing all night, and I even managed to stay up until 6am! I kissed this random boy too, can’t really remember much about him apart from that he was hot. I thought I had grown out of that stage in my life but I suppose everyone likes an ego boost. Saw a few people out who a few years ago would have bothered me, but it’s all very positive now and I can’t decide if there actually was any problems back then, or if all the animosity was in my head? Maybe I was just an angry little teenager; I think that’s very probable. I’m enjoying getting a bit older. We all went back to mine after Ramshackle and just listened to music till the early hours, I was supposed to go swimming on Saturday morning but I was SO hung-over there was no way I could have.</p> <p>I was supposed to go out Sunday night but instead I went to see Pete and Freda, Fran & John were also down too which was nice. I was going to go back to Lutterworth to stay with them for a few days but I have an appointment tomorrow so I can’t. Last week I went to see my GP Dr. Brooks to talk about how I’m not receiving any treatment anymore, and how the next step requires waiting 7 months which quite frankly given my situation is ridiculous. She said she is experienced in mental health issues and it is the field she specialises in, and that she had reserved me an appointment for Tues (so tomorrow now) for me to come and talk at length about my issues, and then we can see what she thinks she best course of action will be for me. So I’m doing that, AGAIN for about the hundredth time. I shouldn’t be so pessimistic, she did explain a new type of therapy she was considering for me but it sort of seemed like she was just a Doctor messing with Psychotherapy. I don’t know. We’ll see, I’ll give it a chance. </p> <p>Yesterday me and Russ went to buy Mike a birthday present, which went down well. He loved it. We then went to town to meet Jules, who no-one really gets to see much anymore since she’s moved to Bedminster with Rich. I really fucking miss living near town. Me and Russ were discussing moving out but I think living with him would be an awful idea. We did however discuss living in Mums house when it’s finished, I don’t know if that’s even viable, BUT it would solve the problem of mess because Mum wouldn’t allow mess in her rented house! </p> <p>We went to The Apple which I was a bit apprehensive about because I text Cey about going out this weekend but he didn’t text be back, and I didn’t want him to think I was stalking him or something. But I was worried about nothing, he has cracked the screen on his phone (he showed me) so can’t read anything on his phone, only receive calls. He said he was glad I came in because he had no way of contacting me. He’s really weird and I can’t work him out at all. He text me the other week telling me I was amazing, then he told me he doesn’t do one night stands, totally hinting that he wants more, But then it’s sort of ended there? I think I’m being a bit stand-offish about it all. I was a bit blunt with him yesterday because I didn’t want to have a chat with him in front of all my friends including Pad, and then when we went to leave I just said my goodbyes across the room and left whilst he was still behind the bar. Yeh, come to think of it, I was totally off with him. I need to sort that. I just haven’t been single in so fucking long that I’ve sort of forgotten how to do things. I’m sure I’ll see him next weekend anyway, or maybe I should call him? It’s so complicated this business! Since I’ve just written so much about him I figure I must be interested in him? Like I said earlier, he’s quite weird but in a really interesting way and I like the fact that I can’t really work him out. AND once again it must be said how fucking beautiful he is, just everything about him sort of gives me butterflies when I see him. And I NEVER get that with people I don’t know, god I’m so shallow. He’s got an absolutely perfect face apart from these really tiny scars you can only see close up, I like the fact that he’s not perfect. Also, he must like me quite a lot to have been able to put up with my weirdness when I stayed at his and still be interested. I don’t know how I feel about him; maybe I just like the interest. </p> <p>So yesterday we came to Mums for tea which is where I’m staying again now, and saw Granny and Arfie too. God knows what I am going to do for the rest of the day.</p> <p>This post has been really cheerful. I am feeling a bit better purely because since I have been on Iron tablets, I have been sleeping again. Sleep deprivation is so fucking tiring, and for some reason the Iron seems to have changed this. I have been trying to avoid bad thoughts and seemingly I have been succeeding. I think I’ve just been having a good week, but I have been able to sort of hoist myself back up whenever I’ve felt my mood slipping. Something which I was incapable of before. Maybe being off drugs is helping too. And also the fact that I was been living at Mums, so have tried to not allow myself to ever be alone. I have been trying not to think about Rob, I’ve not been doing too well at that, but I will not let myself write about him anymore here.<br> However, still no job, no therapy and I’m sure if I moved back in with my brother things would revert back to the old way very quickly.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/10/10th_september~2955949/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-04:/2007/09/04/4th_september~2924073/chl0egreen2007-09-04T17:22:13+02:002007-09-04T17:22:13+02:00 <p>I shouldn’t feel guilty.<br> I shouldn’t feel guilty that my Mum is sat downstairs getting upset because she can’t find me any help.<br> But I do. She doesn’t understand that the reason we’re in this mess in the first place is because I am consumed with hurt and rage because of what has happened to me. I don’t want to have to cry to prove I’m upset. If I was fine with it all, we wouldn’t need to get me professional help in the first place. I just wish I wasn’t here, and then no-one would be angry or hurt or upset that we can’t fix me. </p> <p>I need help. There is nothing available on the NHS for people like me; we just have to live with it. Pick up the pieces of our shiny happy old lives and try and fit them back together, even though they’re all different shapes now. I cannot do this on my own. </p> <p>The minimum wait for any of the services we have tried is 5 months. The next step is private counselling. But I need long term help, it will take months and months, and at £50 a session I’m not sure it’s do-able. Do only rich people get raped? Since about May I have thought about killing myself nearly every day, there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore, just a fucking ticking clock. I’ve been in hospital three times, it’s getting closer each time, and I’m getting more bottle. Make me wait another seven months and I will have more balls than the fucking army. </p> <p>Right now I feel nothing but rage. I feel so angry that if I was to explode or something I would blow up the whole of Bristol. I don’t even feel sad, maybe just a bit, but only for my family. </p> <p>He fixed me. It wouldn’t be like this if he didn’t just abandon me. He’s still sending me emails and stuff telling me he never wants to speak to me again. Fuck him. He will have forgotten about me in a few days, he doesn’t give a shit. I’m so bad, I ruined his life. He’s 27, he says this is the worst thing he’s ever had to contend with and yet he still doesn’t have the empathy to stick around. Fuck him. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/04/4th_september~2924073/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-03:/2007/09/03/3rd_september~2919006/chl0egreen2007-09-03T20:16:56+02:002007-09-03T20:16:56+02:00 <p>I have been sleeping so much better for the past few days. I have been trying to eat as much as possible too, and today when I put on my green dress that is a size 6 it would hardly do up, hurrah. Saying that though, my weight hasn't really changed and unless I get my 10-12 hours sleep a day I feel fucking knackered. I'm taking my iron tablets regularly, and I've been eating a lot of prunes because iron makes you so constipated, lovely!</p> <p>Today both KinErgy and Avon Sexual Abuse Centre called me back to discuss the messages I left on their answer phone last week. Avon Sexual Abuse Centre said I was not eligible for treatment with them as I do not live in their catchment area. I was a little pissed off about this because I don't think YMHT should have referred me there in the first place. And with KinErgy there is a fucking seven month waiting list for treatment after the initial assessment. Rape and sexual abuse must be pretty fucking common, there are a lot of shit men in the world, but I didn't think getting help would be this difficult. </p> <p>So I'm back to square one, and without help once again. Me and Mum are going to go to the Doc this week to discuss this, and get my next prescription. Unless I get help, and see a path for future recovery the same thing is just going to keep happening. Right now I don't feel that disheartened about it all but I'm sure that will change without proper assistance. </p> <p>Had a small amount of contact with Rob today, not a lot to say about that. He's obviously not very interested in maintaining any kind of friendship with me. Right now I don't give a shit, but I'm sure that will change too. It always does. </p> <p>Me and mum went shopping earlier; some bloke was with his girlfriend and staring at me from behind his sunglasses, as if he thought I couldn't see what he was doing. Fucking twat. I nearly kicked his car door it made me so angry. That is the kind of aggression that I need to get fixed. Graham was a good counsellor in that we built a really good relationship and trust, but the sort of counselling I need isn't to just go into a room and offload. I need my thoughts to be challenged and if possible altered. Because I know some of the ways I view things aren't just different; they're also wrong. The doctor, nurse and social worker from last week agreed with this also. </p> <p>In the police cell last week, me and Mum sorted so much stuff; I can't even begin to write about it all here. Mum started asking me about things from my past. But one thing which I didn't even view as relevant and had forgotten is how I lost my virginity. It seems this is one more thing to add to a long list of horrible sexual experiences with men. I was pretty young, and I really liked the guy. So did all my friends, he was really gentle, and not like other boys, and he was really interesting. I was sort of caught up in his manner. Anyway, we'd been on a few "dates" and we went back to his house as his parents were on holiday. We watched some TV, listened to some music and then started messing around in his room. Everything was fine, it wasn't forced or anything and until that point I was enjoying it. I thought I was ready to do it, and he got on top of me, but it really really hurt so I told him to stop. Suddenly I felt a bit cold, was very aware that I was naked, and erm a bit like a fish out of water. But he didn't stop. I didn't fight him, I pushed at his arms a bit but couldn't move him, and I just kept asking him to stop and telling him that it was hurting me. He didn't. I think it was his first time too, so it didn't last very long and luckily the ordeal was over pretty soon. I went home pretty soon after and avoided him and his phone calls until he got the hint and left me alone. To all his friends I was the bitch who just broke his heart by not getting back to him. It was all very immature.</p> <p>I was sobbing when I told my Mum that story. I had always thought that I consented to that because I didn't fight. But my Mum was livid and from her reaction I see that it was wrong. I didn't just say no once, I said it until it was over. I have never really talked about this before either. I had always thought that my recent reactions to men in sexual circumstances e.g. Rob or Cey were completely over-exaggerated and that the things from my past didn't warrant reactions as extreme as these. But I am starting to see that this is not true, and that my views on men, although they might be wrong or distorted, they are completely valid. I really hope this will stop me chastising myself so much in future. I just need to understand myself better.</p> <p>So yeh, earlier I bought some denim high waisted shorts, a shirt, a bag and a scarf. It all looks ace, ha I sound so cocky these days. My Mum straightened my hair too, so today I've had it straight and up, which made a nice change. Dear lord, I'm so boring. Being so obsessed with my appearance helps me to pass the day. </p> <p>Need to make plans to see Rosie and Ju this week but I am so skint till I get paid that I can't. I'd also like to point out that it is 5 days since I was in a cell, and I still haven't seen my Dad. He invited me around for dinner the other day but as if I want to sit at a dinner table with Claire and Cheryl and whoever else. Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough but I don't want to be an exhibition when I feel so shit. My Dad shouldn't have gone away that day when I needed him, and he should have made an effort to see me since. I'm not just slotting into his plans in future, if he wants to see me he has to make an effort. I don't just expect him to fit into my life with my friends, like I don't invite him to town on a Friday, and I don't ask him to come to dinner with Mum and Tony. So it should work both ways. No more shit.</p> <p>I also find it weird that people read my blog, not in a bad way! Just when I first started writing it, it was (and still is) just an outlet for my feelings when I have no-one else to speak to. I never thought it would be read by others. I don't mind though! I guess it's sort of cool if people want to read my incessant ramblings! Thanks to anyone who sent me a nice message/comment in the last few days too. Sounds so silly but when you're at rock bottom, little things mean a lot.</p> <p>Fuck knows what I'm doing tomorrow, but I'm trying to just take each day one at a time. I think I need a job, but my Mum, and the Doctor from last week, seemed to think a full time job will be too much for me right now because when my counselling starts I will need to devote a lot of time to my recovery. So I don't know what to do. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/03/3rd_september~2919006/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-09-02:/2007/09/02/3rd_september~2910489/chl0egreen2007-09-02T12:23:06+02:002007-09-03T19:38:05+02:00 <p>Okay so I guess it wasn't goodbye. I'm still here, not really sure how I feel about that at the moment. </p> <p>I'll explain what happened on Monday, it might seem a little cold but I can't be bothered to attach any emotion to it right now.</p> <p>I wrote my blog, then spoke to Rob and then I went into my attic and made a noose out of an extension cable and tied the other end to a wooden beam. I then sat on the edge of the hatch for ages trying to get the guts to jump off. I couldn't, so then I got down and was contemplating stabbing myself when I heard a car pull up outside. It was my Dad. I put the knife in my bag and went down stairs. All he could say to me was that I was ruining his life, no "How are you?" or "Are you okay?" He just came in attacking me. That made me even worse, if that was even possible. I went outside and could see he was loitering at the front of the house. Took me a while to realise but then I thought he must be waiting for someone and realised he had probably called the police. So I went back inside, put some shoes on and went into Russell’s room to look for an exit via my back garden. I saw one, ran downstairs, climbed onto my garage, along the roof and jumped down into the street behind. Fuck knows where I was looking to go, but I didn't realise it was a cul-de-sac. So I just sat behind a car trying to think of how to get away, but then the police showed up. I was obviously fucking emotional and gradually they coaxed me into a police car and drove me to my house. But they wouldn't let me out. I hadn't realised until then how serious it was and I was so angry. They let my Mum into the back of the car with me and I was pleading with her to make them let me go. She said she couldn't. So I went to pull the knife out of my bag. I was going to hurt myself, but they all managed to overpower me and garb it off me. Now it was serious. I was taken out of the car, searched fully, and then put into the back of a riot van. We went to the station where I was detained for my own safety under the mental health act. I was taken away and searched again, seen by a doctor and then locked in a cell with my Mum for about 5 hours. We had a fucking long chat about things; I think it turned out positive. And then I was assessed by a mental health team, where the outcome was the same as it always is; I need to seek counselling to challenge my ways of thinking as a result of rape. After 5 hours in a cell I had clearly calmed down, and the Doctor even commented on how articulate I was. I sort of wish they could have seen the crazy me of 5 hours previous. So then they let me out, I've rang a few telephone numbers and am waiting for calls back from various organisations. </p> <p>The last few days have just been as normal as possible. I've tried to make myself as busy as possible and surround myself with people at all times to stop me thinking about Rob or the mess that I'm in. So far all has been successful, every time he pops into my head it's like the thoughts get beaten down with little Chloe’s with sticks, in my head of course. I am feeling quite positive but I am also sure it is only matter of days before that will change. </p> <p>I went out on Friday night, looking a million dollars if I’m honest and got a fair bit of attention. I know I sound so bigheaded but anyone who knows me will also know that I have so many complexes about my appearance that this is almost miraculous. I had a lovely night with some old friends and then came back to my Mums house. I went and sat in the puppy’s bed with her for about half an hour, just talking shite to her. It made me feel better at least! Saw some people from my past as I always do when I'm out in Bristol. It doesn't need to be an issue these days. Debbie was more concerned with my eating habits because of how skinny I am, and Ryan got my number and just called me for a chat yesterday, which was really sound. I'd quite like to be friends with him now. Also saw Neil which was a bit emabarassing, didn't really know where to look! So I sort of avoided him. </p> <p>This is a very shallow point to make BUT... The girl Rob is seeing is actually quite ugly. I've seen pics and she has awful teeth which make her look like a witch, she wears too much makeup, dresses like everyone else AND from what I can see I think she's a bit round! Robs ex Jess was beautiful and it made me feel intimidated, if the new one was that hot I'd feel even worse. But no, it's quite funny. I'd also like to point out that Cey is maybe the most beautiful man I've ever seen in real life. It's so superficial I know but he's lovely and tall, has amazing cheekbones, lovely black scruffy hair, and really dark eyes. He's quite skinny but not in a gawky way, he has really nice shoulders and arms. So it's a fucking cheap shot, but I win.</p> <p>I think Rob has changed his number. I said I'd send him a letter. I'm undecided right now. I think I'll leave it a bit longer. </p> <p>So... I need to make some frickin plans for the rest of my life and stop sitting at home thinking about my twat of an ex. He really did treat me like shit at times, I deserved better. Even when things were good with us he could still make me feel like shit just with a few nasty words. I don't think it should be like that with someone you supposedly love more than anyone else in the world. </p> <p>Also, I want a new tattoo!</p> <p>My mood is fucked. This post is the most normal post ever, you'd never have thought that a few days ago I was plotting my suicide. O well I'm sure the tables will turn again soon. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/09/02/3rd_september~2910489/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-08-30:/2007/08/30/goodbye~2894578/chl0egreen2007-08-30T11:51:37+02:002007-08-30T11:51:37+02:00 <p>In my last post I said I was waiting for something to finally tip me over the edge. Well it’s happened; Rob is seeing someone else. ALL of this obviously isn’t his fault; this is just the final straw. I am so unhappy right now; it physically hurts me inside to write this. I want to be dead. I’ve wanted to be dead for so long. I know this is the right decision. All that is left for me to do is say my goodbyes. This isn’t anyone’s fault, I am just not meant to be here anymore. People don’t think I’m serious, I’m not getting any help at all and this is my only way out. I know I am selfish and will be thought of badly for doing this, but I am not strong enough to cope anymore. </p> <p>Mum- Thanks for everything recently. I love you so much even though I don’t tell you. You have done absolutely everything you can to help me, please don’t feel guilty.</p> <p>Dad- I love you too. You and Mum do so much for me and Russ and I will be eternally grateful if there is anything that follows this life. You couldn’t have done more. </p> <p>Russ- You never understood any of this. That is not a criticism; you are a lot more pure than me. I didn’t want you to understand. I love you so much Russ, please take care of everyone when I’m gone. </p> <p>Granny & Arfie & Pete & Freda – You guys have such a zest for like which I just don’t posses. You have fought for where you are today; your health, your family. You must be so proud and I am so proud to have been a part of your legacy. I love you</p> <p>Trace & Mike- Thanks for everything you have ever done for me and Russ. We love you both so much.</p> <p>Ben & Sam- I have never been so proud in my life; it’s almost as if this is what having children would be like. I have watched 2 boys blossom into amazing young men. I love you two.</p> <p>Fran- You have always been so proud of me and such a faith in me that I probably didn’t deserve. Thanks, I love you.</p> <p>Rob- I’d have done anything for you, I just couldn’t get over you. I’m sorry things had to be like this. You gave me strength for so long</p> <p>Vicki- You were a kid when we first men, and now you are a beautiful young lady. I’m so sorry for not being there when you need me. Don’t let this sway you the wrong way in life, don’t head the same way as me. You have more love for it than me. I love you.</p> <p>Ju- It’s good to see things turn out so good for an amazing person. I love you Ju</p> <p>Rosie & Laura- You guys would have been there at the drop of a hat if I’d have let you in, I just couldn’t. You are both amazing people. I love you. </p> <p>Aimee/Becki/Hannah- Having you guys back in my life recently has made it a lot brighter. I forgot how good it used to be.</p> <p>My Frampton Boys- You boys are the little rays of sunshine in my day. Do me a favour and quit all the shit in your life which is going to fuck your heads up, I don’t want you to end up like this.</p> <p>Pad- You’re my boy. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve someone who thinks as much of me as you. I love you. </p> <p>Sam De Boeck- You let me down because you’re a coward. I have nothing else to say to you. </p> <p>Spam/Nat- I love you guys so much. I couldn’t move back to Leeds because I didn’t feel a part of things anymore. Spam when you broke up with Jack I tried to be there at every corner, I feel a bit deserted. Did you write that list of names on your facebook profile purposely to make me feel discluded? I have no time to ask these things before I go. </p> <p>Everyone who cut contact with me as soon as the going got tough….. no-one asked you to choose between me and Rob, you just did anyway. I HATE people who let you think they’ll be there when it’s bullshit. You made me feel like shit.</p> <p>Please can someone tell Cey at the Apple what has happened.</p> <p>I’m sorry if I’ve missed anyone. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more profound in what I chose to say.</p> <p>I wish I could turn the clock back to when I was last happy, but aside from my time with Rob, I don’t know when that was.</p> <p>It’s selfish but I’m so sick of hurting.</p> <p>I love you all so much. I didn’t do this to hurt you. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/08/30/goodbye~2894578/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-08-28:/2007/08/28/28th_august~2886375/chl0egreen2007-08-28T21:40:57+02:002007-08-28T23:07:57+02:00 <p>I'm going to start writing in here again. It's been a while as you can see but I need some form of outlet for my emotions, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about these things in person. I'm so changeable and so up and down that if I get someone to understand me, by the time I have finished I won't feel like that anymore.</p> <p>I got back from Reading festival yesterday after yet another amazing festival weekend. And right now I'm feeling the inevitable doom and gloom over after-fest blues. </p> <p>I don't really have much to write now but I wanted to restart this for myself. I'm so lonely right now, and before this did help.</p> <p>Since my last post me and Rob got back together and then finished for good just after Glastonbury. I went into hospital again after another overdose, and I have been discharged from Mental Health outpatient care. I have moved back to Bristol for good and I am living at my Dads house with my brother. I visited Leeds a few weeks ago and got taken home in a police car after a drunken argument with Rob, this was before I'd decided to stay in Bristol. I also met Alex for a coffee, which was lovely and not awkward at all. I've had a few texts since but it's all been really chilled, a positive thing right now definitely. </p> <p>I am more unhappy than ever, and now Rob doesn't want any contact with me altogether. This is my last hope. At the moment I still don't have a job and spend my days mainly on my own thinking about what I have done. I still love Rob so much that it makes me want to die. I really don't think I have much longer left, I'm just waiting for something to finally push me over the edge.</p> <p>I have tried to quit drugs, and I was being successful until the various festivals, and at Reading I did LSD for the first time. A few weeks ago I slept with a guy called Cey who works at the Apple boat in town. It made things worse, and now I'm doing my best to avoid men. Reading was lovely because I went with a group of guys who hardly know me, and they were proper fun and not sleazy in the slightest. Cey is a nice guy but fuck knows what I want right now. Anything to do with him is the last thing that is going to fix me. </p> <p>Forgot to mention my drugs have been changed from Citalopram to Venlafaxine, which is making me less drowsy. I've also been diagnosed as acutely anaemic, which is another possible cause of my tiredness and lack of enery. So I'm on iron pills too. </p> <p>No-one is taking me seriously. I miss Rob. I'm so close to the edge. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/08/28/28th_august~2886375/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-29:/2007/05/29/tuesday~2356431/chl0egreen2007-05-29T19:17:36+02:002007-08-30T11:44:15+02:00 <p>So much has happened in the last 24hours and normally I would post more than once a day, but today I haven’t so I don’t know where to start!</p> <p>Yesterday afternoon I started on at Rob again about wanting to see him, completely aware of the reaction it provokes in him, but feeling really desperate to want to see him, and to also prove to him that it wouldn’t be hassle. It would just be 2 people who love each other having a nice weekend. This cumulated in him saying he wanted the whole “us” scenario to end, once and for all and that he was absolutely sick of me, and sick of my shit. I was absolutely hysterical. I was meant to be going to Cheryl’s for tea with my Dad but when he came to pick me up I was just lying on my bed crying and shaking, I wouldn’t even hug him. I told him repeatedly that I wanted to be on my own and eventually he left me. Everyone leaves in the end. </p> <p>The main reason for me being so hysterical (I think) was that I feel as if I have come quite far in the past week in terms of getting better. Yes I still have lows, yes I still have huge mood swings but I have not in the past week actually sat in my room and thought of possible ways to kill myself. This sounds like a trivial thing but everyday from when I was discharged from hospital after the overdose, until a about a week ago I have not been able to stop thinking of possible ways to end it all, in lots of locations and situations. </p> <p> This weekend I am going to go to Leeds, I am going to show him I still know how to have fun, I want to meet his friends and make a good impression (if I can understand their funny accents) and most of all I want to prove to myself that I can be normal. </p> <p>This brings me nicely to the subject of my Mother. She doesn’t want me to go to Leeds and she has taken my bank card and railcard off me. I do not respond well to such heavy-handed tactics EVER and she should know that better than anyone. I do see why she is worried, but she is not acknowledging how much I have improved in the past week, or even how much Graham says I have improved in the past week. I do not want to kill myself because things are moving forward, and for the first time in along while I am looking forward to it. I know she is just scared but she has been trying to make out as if I am not capable of making decisions because I am mentally ill. This is not true. I am feeling very rational right now, and I have had three psychiatric assessments. If I was not capable of making decisions I would have been locked up, simple as that, because I would have posed too large a risk to myself to be free. I’m very sure this was a decision that was not taken lightly by the NHS. And also by telling me she thinks I cannot decide things to myself she is also knocking the new found confidence that I seem to have built up in the last few days. </p> <p>I spoke to Graham about wanting to come up, I really do think I put Mums point across as much as possible because I know she is worried for valid reasons, but we came to a conclusion together that is probably is best for me to go. He actually said that I seem very rational in my thinking about it all, and that I am not just acting on an impulse to see Rob, and that maybe that should be my main concern, rather than any guilt I would feel at going. I want to go for many reasons. Obviously the main one is Rob. I’d also like to prove to myself that I can be okay. I’d also like to feel normal for a weekend, I have been wrapped in cotton wool for over a week now and it’s making me bored, but it is also making me more anxious and more paranoid. I find myself thinking am I ready to do certain things. Of course I am, I did them 2 weeks ago when things were worse than this. I am Chloe Green and I am strong, and I am getting stronger everyday. I am also really keen to meet Rob’s friends. It has been a while since I met new people, and they will know nothing about me, and I sort of want to pretend that everything is okay for a weekend and make myself liked by people. Because I know recently I have been a pain in the arse. I also want to show Rob that we can still have fun, and I want “us” to be something we can be positive about and look forward to rather than dread and avoid. I also want to go out and have a good night. But mostly I want to lie on his bed, with him behind me and his arms round me, and feel for one moment in time that nothing else can get me. It sounds so fucking cheesy but I adore him. </p> <p>I had my second counselling session this morning. Largely we talked about me going to Leeds this weekend. Graham isn’t paid to tell me what to do or think or how to act, but I get the impression if he thought me going away this weekend was a bad idea, he would have structured his questioning in a way to lead my to conclude that myself. But he didn’t. He also said that although he had only seen me twice since my initial assessment, he didn’t see any despair in me anymore, like he did the first time we met. Although my change in medication, and my bi-weekly sessions with him are such small things, they have provided me with a very small lifeline. A sort of way of dealing with things, and a possible route forwards, maybe into eventual happiness which I never had before. Before I felt desperate and now I am looking forward, taking each day as it comes. It feels good! I’ve just realised that today I am really positive; the only thing looming over me is Mum.</p> <p>My session earlier sort of progressed from me speaking about how angry I was with Mum for making out as if I cannot make my own decisions, to not wanting to feel weak. And again the conversation reverted back to Rob. I started to speak about how he doesn’t like to feel responsible for me and my happiness, and how I feel weak, and he is strong. Graham said that just because I have things to deal with it does not mean I am weak. The fact that I am taking steps to deal with things says the opposite and that I am fighting to keep my head above water. He also said he notices I feel as if I carry a great deal of blame for things that have happened to me. I said although sometimes I know I am not to blame, I still get angry because I have to deal with the aftermath, and it makes me very bitter and angry. Graham also questioned why I think of myself as weak and Rob as strong. He said it isn’t a matter of that, he said that maybe Rob just has stronger footing at the moment. I said it was upsetting to be hurting Rob all the time because I am making him like me. Graham didn’t really address that, as I’ve said before he isn’t really concerned with how other people feel. He said to me even if Rob is stronger than me, it doesn’t mean I am wrong. And that to need assurance and comfort is a very natural and human craving. He said the most important thing that I need to realise is that none of this is my fault, and that I am blameless in all of this. He said people cope with things in different ways and that Rob is one of my coping mechanisms. Graham is well aware that things aren’t exactly peachy with me and Rob, but that he gives me just enough to help me cope with things, he compared it to a sinking ship; that rob fills enough gaps to keep me afloat. I’m really not sure that he would appreciate that because he hates the way it is at the moment, but Graham said that this will start to even out when I am a bit better. When I have less emotional voids to fill, I won’t need as much from him. That analogy is quite rude, filling holes n all. </p> <p>I told Graham I was still writing in here, and he was really pleased with me, especially when I said how much I had written. I said it helped because I feel so overwhelmed sometimes by how I feel, that offloading it in this way can sometimes help me to feel a bit emotionally empty, but in a good way. I have noticed that even during writing this tonight I feel lighter. I also told him I wrote Leigh that email, and he was pleased with that too. In the next few days I am aim to be able to write the other thing down, but I don’t feel ready right now.</p> <p>My next session is Friday. I will get the train to Leeds after it. I have decided to try and work on my mother and prove I am getting better until Thursday, but if she is still being obstructive I will book my tickets anyway. She cannot make me a prisoner. I am going to tell her she can do it my way, and give me my bank card and railcard back, in which case I will do my best to reassure her whilst I am gone. If she won’t, I won’t make contact with her whilst I am in Leeds. I know this is a really harsh ultimatum, but so is taking my things. If I didn’t want to be in Bristol trying to get better, I wouldn’t be. If I wanted to top myself right now, I would. These are decisions I can make anytime I want, but I haven’t and I think she is kidding herself if she thinks me being under her supervision is enough to stop me doing something if I really wanted to. I am getting better, I am not misguided enough to think that after a week it’s all solved, I know there’s a long way to go but I’m doing it. And I want that to be recognised. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/29/tuesday~2356431/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-28:/2007/05/28/monday_afternoon~2349198/chl0egreen2007-05-28T17:00:05+02:002007-05-28T17:00:05+02:00 <p>Despite having had a lovely afternoon with pad I feel really really angry. Maybe it’s the reply I got from Leigh, or maybe it’s the stuff with Rob. Maybe I’m just angry with myself for being such a useless human being who expects too much of people. I fucking hate myself right now. How are me and Rob ever going to work if I constantly think he doesn’t feel the same as me. And right now he doesn’t, I want to see him, he doesn’t want to see me. This is fucking my head up. I’m never going to get better am I? I have nowhere to live in Leeds, I’m kidding myself if I think I’m ever going back. I don’t even think Rob wants me to. Bristol doesn’t feel right, and I don’t even think it’s doing me much good being here, so all his shit about me doing what’s right for me isn’t relevant. But he will never say he wants me to move back to Leeds, because I don’t think he does. Maybe I need to admit to myself that it is over for good, and it is my fault. I have fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me, because right now he doesn’t want to know. I wish I didn’t exist. Everything always hurts so much, I just want it to end. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/28/monday_afternoon~2349198/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-28:/2007/05/28/monday_morning~2347447/chl0egreen2007-05-28T11:57:46+02:002007-05-28T11:57:46+02:00 <p>11:54: They were half right. I do feel better for letting him know, and making him feel shit. But his reply has not done anything for me. Fuck him.</p> <p>I had a really shit nights sleep. I feel really tired and drained today. It's so weird how different I can feel from one morning to the other. </p> <p>I’m really angry at Russell. He hasn't really bothered with me at all this weekend, even when they have just been sat about in Frampton he hasn't called me. He was one of the main reasons I left on Friday night. I love my brother but I cannot stand to see the messes he gets himself into recently. It would be funny if it was anyone else but because it's Russ it seems wrong. And it happens too often. Does he want to end up like me? Mum took him to town last night on the condition that he’d spend some more time with me. Fuck that, I don’t want to see him if it’s just part of a deal. I don’t want to see him off his face, but I don’t want to see him and just sit and watch T.V because I might as well be at home doing it. </p> <p>I feel very under whelmed this morning. I had a dream about Rob, it was lovely. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/28/monday_morning~2347447/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-28:/2007/05/28/monday_morning~2347415/chl0egreen2007-05-28T11:50:41+02:002007-05-28T11:50:41+02:00 <p>He fucking replied, you'll have to excuse his spelling and grammar, he's a fucking moron.</p> <p>Ok, i know this probably isn't worth much and i'm sorry for that but i'd just like to say a few things. Having read that and looking back over what happened and how i was months on i know i was wrong i treated u so badly and i did wallow in self pitty as i wasn't strong enough to be what you needed at the time as much as i wanted to be and wish i had been. I loved you to the bitter end of our relationship and still feel a lot for you as i think your one of the strongest people i have ever mett. As for the Facebook invite i joined facebook and everyone in my msn contacts got automaticly added so i am sorry for that. I know nothing i can say will make anything i did any better and wish i could fix things and turn back time as i hate the way i was and hope that if it happened today i would be a stronger more mature man and have been able to help.</p> <p>If you ever need me I am here for you and i know that i am probably the last person in the world you would want to talk to but if its between talking to someone and killing yourself i would rather you thought that you could still talk to me rather than do that.</p> <p>I'd do anything to show how sorry i am and fix things between us even remotely, name your price i'll pay it.</p> <p>I hate that you are so scarred by what happened and know i don't deseve anything from you but i would give anything to be able to help, I'm not the man you once new i am a lot stronger.</p> <p>This mail has made me realise a lot and i hope it has helped you sending it.</p> <p>I'm always here for you and know i'm sorry doesn't do justice to how i feel and what i must do to be on the way to you forgiving me even.</p> <p>Your an amazing woman and i truely mean that i do still love you and hope you can feel better</p> <p>Leigh</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/28/monday_morning~2347415/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-27:/2007/05/27/sunday_evening~2344983/chl0egreen2007-05-27T21:23:11+02:002007-05-27T21:23:11+02:00 <p>I feel really sad right now. Not desperate like I have been feeling recently, just a bit sad at how I let things get to this. I have fucked up so badly recently. I don't know how I will ever make this up to people. I'm sat in my room alone. I have no-one to talk to in Bristol. I miss Rob, I miss Spam and Nat. There is no-one home, this is so hopeless. I can't do any more to help myself and it's not happening quick enough. I need some help </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/sunday_evening~2344983/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-27:/2007/05/27/sunday_afternoon_again~2344016/chl0egreen2007-05-27T18:32:46+02:002007-05-27T18:32:46+02:00 <p>I sent Leigh the email. I don't want a reply </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/sunday_afternoon_again~2344016/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-27:/2007/05/27/sunday_afternoon~2343648/chl0egreen2007-05-27T17:31:16+02:002007-05-27T17:31:16+02:00 <p>I’m feeling really good today; I’d say about 7/10 which is my best day in a long while. I have felt a lot more energetic than yesterday, and have kept occupied too.</p> <p>Last night I was looking at pictures on Robs Facebook, and I saw next to a picture of me and him he had written “The Love of My Life.” Things between us for the past week have been shite to say the least, and it made me cry reading that, because after all of this I know he still loves me. I text him to say I’d seen it, and he told me he hadn’t gone camping in the end, and had read my Saturday entry and it had got to him. I was pretty harsh about him and I think some other things upset him too. He said he won’t be reading it anymore. I was disappointed to hear that. Whilst I completely understand that some of the things I said might make him feel uncomfortable, there are certain things I want to share with him, but I’m really not sure I will ever be able to openly discuss them with anyone. </p> <p>I know I need to talk about it in my counselling, but right now I simply can’t. I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up, let alone voice how I feel. To be honest I don’t even know how I feel. It needs to come out but it just feels wrong. I need to discuss it with Graham, because my number of sessions with him are limited, and I think it is something intrinsic to why I feel the way I do about myself. But I just can’t. I think that this is a whole can of worms that right now I am not ready to even acknowledge exists, let alone open. I’m so scared of what is going to happen. What if trying to tackle this makes me even more mental than I am right now? I wonder if in my hypnosis-like therapy sessions they can just make me forget about these things again. But then again Graham has said he thinks that is where my problems lie; that I have just tried to get over things without actually giving myself time to heal from them first. I feel a bit trapped right now. I shouldn’t dwell on this right now, I was feeling good.</p> <p>So Rob said he wanted to know about this when I was ready. I’m not sure if I will ever be ready. I want him to know, but I’m not sure I can make the words come out of my mouth. It took me fifteen minutes to tell my first counsellor I was raped. Besides, I’d have to see him to tell him, and properly seeing him is going to be months away. It’s not really something I can just drop in during a weekend visit. </p> <p>Mum, Norma, and I went to see Granny and Arfie earlier. Bless Granny, she has a memory like a sieve and asked me the same questions she asked me on the phone yesterday all over again. Then the puppy took a shit on the carpet and that was the end of that. We came home, and I went to meet Ju and Vicki in the pub for Sunday lunch. I didn’t even know it was Sunday; I’ve got no fucking idea what day of the week it is because I’m not working at the minute. I had a massive roast dinner, it was average but I was well up for it. I had a lovely afternoon with them, it was pretty light hearted, and just what I needed. Vicki as usual has stayed at some random boys’ house the night before and had some pretty amusing tales to regale us with. I was only there for two and a half hours which was perfect. Lengths of time longer than that seem to feel quite daunting at the moment, I’m not sure why. I’m quite tired now; it must still be the medication. Although I didn’t sleep very well last night, I woke up at 2.30am and had to read for ages to be able to sleep again. I’m just going to watch a lot of shit T.V tonight and play with the puppy. </p> <p>Rob text me earlier just to say he loves me ad he hoped I was feeling a bit better. I like texts like that because they just let me know that he’s thinking about me. I’m quite happy to have the distance between us when I feel secure in the situation. I don’t mean secure like everything’s going to be fine with us, just secure in knowing that he feels the same way as me. </p> <p>I might write again tonight, if not I’m going for a drink with Pad tomorrow. I wanted to go see This Is England but he’s already seen it so I might see it with Russ on Wednesday instead. I’ve also got Mum on a promise that she’ll take me too the zoo before I go back! My sick note runs out 30/06 but she’s trying to get me to go to Spain with her for 5 days After Glastonbury and after Pete and Freda’s party. I can’t really be sick from work to go gallivanting off to Spain, and I might be well by then anyway. Mum seems to think I’ll got signed off again after but I’m not sure I’ll want to. I’m getting bored already, and I do want to get back to Leeds to sort my future out</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/sunday_afternoon~2343648/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-26:/2007/05/26/saturday_evening~2339555/chl0egreen2007-05-26T21:27:07+02:002007-05-26T21:27:07+02:00 <p>I definitely feel better than earlier. This morning was a really shit start to the day, and reading over my last post, I can see I was being pretty venomous. I felt really hurt he won’t see me, and I reacted in a bad way. It just pissed him off more. I’m not really surprised by that.</p> <p>I slept in until about 3pm today. I think coming off the Citalopram is making me tired, and I’ve definitely been feeling really dizzy, and I’ve had a headache all day. Some of my dizzy spells have been really long too, almost comparable to how I felt when they gave me the anti-sickness drug after my overdose. I feel a lot calmer right now, but just really emotionally drained. Feeling this lacking in energy is stopping me going out and right now is just making me feel more depressed I think. I still need to unpack my stuff, I just need the motivation. I think I will have a bath after too.</p> <p>I was thinking about last night and what made my mood turn so quickly. I was really happy to see Pad, because he is a really comforting and safe person to have around. Things with him have been a bit complicated recently. He told me he loved me, I didn’t react very well, and then he started being really shit towards me. I think we both have a lot of time, and a lot of love for each other, and last night he could kind of tell I needed him as a friend. I think I’m going to see him at some point this weekend, he really does mean a lot to me which is sort of weird because I don’t see him very much. I just want things to be how they used to be with me and him, a lot less complicated and a lot more honest. So yeh, seeing Pad and having a chat with him made me happy, and then at The Croft I saw loads of people who I’d not seen in ages, which was also great. </p> <p>I think the turning point was when Wilson was really pissed (Wilson and Russ had been drinking pints of Scrumpy stupidly fast) and he started trying to have a heart to heart with me. Drunk people have an awful tendency not to let things go even if you’re obviously looking awkward. I tried to say (multiple times) that I’d rather talk to him when he was sober, and he started telling me how much everyone loves me and saying “no Chlo, but I actually do love you.” I know he loves me, I love him too, the same as I love all of my close friends. The problem was when he started going on about a conversation he’d had with Si Jones about me, I didn’t even want to fucking know what kind of stuff they were saying. Then Wilson started going on about how Tackle had said I was “high grade” and how he (Wilson) would love to shag me. My face sort of dropped, but he just carried on going on about it, I think he got that I didn’t want to hear it after a while and said sorry.</p> <p>I love my friends in a pure, non complicated way. Why can’t that be returned? How are my views about men ever going to change, if even when talking to me about wanting to top myself, Wilson manages to finish the conversation by telling me he’d love to have sex with me. I’m fucking sick of having to think about boy’s ulterior motives. I would absolutely love to get Pad round here one Saturday, cook him tea and watch a few films or something and have a smoke. But it can’t happen because I have to worry about him getting the wrong idea, and although he makes me feel safe and when I see him next and explain all the shit that has been going on, I will probably want a hug, I couldn’t ever hug him because I have to maintain a distance with him or he might get the wrong idea. I just wish everything was less complicated with all of them. I don’t want to hear that my friends want to sleep with me; I only want Rob to think of me in that way. I wish I was invisible to all other men. </p> <p>I think that whole issue is what upset me last night, it just made me feel really uncomfortable, and when I was right at the edge of my comfort zone anyway, I just wanted to leave. Saying that though, Pad waited for my Mum with me outside, bless him. He must have missed most of the band that we paid to see. He isn’t a lightweight like the other boys though, so he was pretty sober and we had a good chat. I really do wish he didn’t feel the way he feels about me because I would like him to be a bigger part of my life, but I wouldn’t be comfortable making any more effort with him whilst he still feels like this. </p> <p>I have just read over this, and I sound like a right moany bitch whining because people fancy me. If I was normal, I’d probably love it. </p> <p>I have to go unpack now, I’m going to see Granny and Arfie for coffee tomorrow morning, or water in my case. It will do me good to get out of the house. I am supposed to be seeing Ju and Vicki in the afternoon but I will see how I feel nearer the time. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/26/saturday_evening~2339555/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-26:/2007/05/26/saturday~2337278/chl0egreen2007-05-26T12:48:42+02:002007-05-26T12:48:42+02:00 <p>I woke up feeling really shit this morning, probably because of last night, and it led to an argument with Rob. Whilst we are barely speaking and he is insisting we can’t see each other, it’s going to keep being like this. Because I know he loves me, I can’t just let it go. And knowing he is not making contact with me, and probably not even thinking about me really hurts. I just want him to say “yes Chloe I’ll see you next weekend” or something and then I can be more positive and count down days or something, rather than getting annoyed because he isn’t calling me. When I first mentioned that I should go home ages ago he promised he would come see me, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Now he’s too fucking busy. Who the fuck are these girls coming to visit anyway and why am I not allowed to meet them? I do just feel let down by him, not because he couldn’t cope with this, but because he just wants to get on with things without me. I’m only acting the way I am because he is acting like he isn’t fucking bothered. He read that post about Leigh yesterday, why doesn’t he see that feeling let down by people is a fairly important issue for me right now? Fuck it, he won’t see me, he won’t call me, he just wants to shout at me. Fuck him. I just want some passion, and some enthusiasm. I’m not going back to Leeds until he expresses more emotion about this, I want to restart my life up there anyway, but if I go back up with the intention of doing that, and he’s still treating me like a fucking yo-yo then I’ll probably just end up back in the mess I’m in now. My mood is like a constant rollercoaster, and I do think that can be partly attributed to the fact that some days he loves me more than anything, and the next day I’m pathetic and needy and he wants rid. So yeh, fuck him. Right now I’m trying to sort my own head out, and he’s just making it worse, by being as spiteful and thoughtless as ever. I’m meant to be going to Leeds next week sometime to get my stuff, but I won’t be telling him when, or posting it on here until afterwards. If I saw him he’d probably cry a bit, make some promises which he knows he won’t keep, we’d end up having sex, and then he’d just go and break them a few days afterwards. That seems to be the trend recently. He’s going camping this weekend with his family; at least I know he’s not out in town trying it on with anything that moves. I asked him about that earlier, and he got really angry, as if I have no right to be suspicious of him. I fucking hate him right now. I want to die. </p> <p>Last night was awful, I was fine for a bit, Wilson, Russ, Pike, and Pad were all out. My mood was good, despite not drinking and then we got the The Croft. All of a sudden I felt really isolated and upset and I just wanted to go so Mum came to get me. Maybe I just didn’t like being sober surrounded by drunk people. It made me feel really shit. I can’t even go out with my favourite people to one of my favourite places anymore without feeling anxious. It just happened in a space of a few minutes, I can’t really explain. </p> <p>Right now I feel really fucking low, Rob is sending me hurtful text messages and to be honest everything he is saying is probably true. I’m worthless, and needy and pathetic. No wonder he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I fucking hate myself. I wish I was starting to hate him. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/26/saturday~2337278/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:chl0egreen.blog.co.uk,2007-05-25:/2007/05/25/friday~2332959/chl0egreen2007-05-25T16:16:13+02:002007-05-25T16:16:13+02:00 <p>I want to send it in an email to him </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://chl0egreen.blog.co.uk/2007/05/25/friday~2332959/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>