I am kidding myself if I think things are getting any better. I can't talk to anyone about anything that I need to, and I never will be able to.
I know I still wouldn't have the bottle to hang myself, or jump off a bridge or anything like that. But I would be able to take another overdose if I thought what I was taking would do the trick. I thought the last two attempts would work at the time, so I know I could go through with it. I know how it feels to lie there and wonder how many breaths you have left, and I was fine with it. It was sort of a nice feeling. I researched loads of things on the internet about what to take and after my dabbles with paracetamol and codeine failed, I sort of came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do it with would be Heroin, or Barbituates. The Heroine option is just scary as I don't really know how to do it. And I thought the Barbituates option wasn't possible as I'd never be able to convince a Doctor into prescribing me them. They are sleeping tablets that you can only get on prescription, and any Doctor would see my history with overdoses and pretty much laugh at me. Both of those drugs are supposed to bring about a peaceful and non painful death.
This is where things are looking up for me. My new job means I can EASILY get my hands on large quantities of these drugs. The dispensary is right next to the reception and there is never anyone in there; I hand these drugs out to people everyday. I'm just not sure how to do it. Should I steal a couple everyday until I have a large enough stash to take next time I feel really down, or do I just take a massive box of them and hope no-one notices? I'm pretty sure a missing box would get picked up on after a while but it wouldn't matter if I had already taken them all. If I mixed them together with some painkillers that we give to large animals, I'm pretty sure it would be effective. Why didn't I fucking think of this earlier? It is meant to be.
*EDIT- I just googled Phenobarb overdose, it stops your breathing when you are unconscious. So basically is painless. This is exactly what I've been looking for.
