I just saw the film "Control" about the lead singer of Joy Division Ian Curtis who hung himself aged just 23.

The film was amazing, and by the end I was hysterically crying. It wasn't really a sob-worthy film, and I don't think I saw anyone else shed a tear; I was an absolute wreck.

It just reminded me of my mindset a few months back. I don't mean to sound like I compare myself to him or anything, but it really hit a nerve. I started crying when he was writing his last note. I know what it is like to try and put something into words, something worthy of leaving to everyone you love, but nothing is good enough. No words can come out to explain how you feel. It makes you feel even more inadequate and just fuels your desire for non-existance. I know what it is like to be just doing some mundane task, and then to look around and see an object and it starts the cogs moving in your head....how can I hurt myself with that? Or what can i do to end it all with the resources I have here?

In those desperate moments nothing else matters but how you feel. Some might consider that selfish, and that you should think of everyone else around you. But then I would just say you have never experienced a low that extreme.

I love a lot of people. I have a lot of amazing people around me, but despite that, at times I have wished I didn't exist. I'd be lying if I said the feelings had gone completely. Mostly to stop my own pain, but also to stop hurting and disappointing other people. It would hurt them for a bit, but then the pain would gradually subside, and I wouldn't be there to disappoint anymore. People have told me that they would rather I hurt them everyday than be dead. But I don't believe they understand what I mean.

I wish I didn't need anyone else. I never used to. I wish I had someone to talk to when I needed to, but I don't. Everyone thinks I'm "well" again, and on the whole I am. But I still feel shit sometimes, and it's even worse now. I can't talk to people because they just worry. So I'm stuck here bottling it all up until I break down again. And I know I will. It's just a matter of time.

I need to be on my own to learn how to live again, but I can't cope with my own thoughts alone. And it is no-one elses responsibility to help me.

The last 5/6 months are just a blur; an existance, not a life. I haven't been living, I've been passing time, but what for? I just want to get out of my own head. I want to take a new drug to just numb it all, but anything I can think of just heightens already existing emotions. Apart from one. I know it works, I've felt it before. But I can't even let that thought enter my head. I've been trying to fight it, but I'm not sure there is another way. Only one other person in the world knows what I mean by that, and he doesn't give a fuck anyway. I'm going in the right direction, but too slow for my liking. I wish I could stop feeling, just for a bit. I need a fucking break.