This post is going to make me sound like an awful human being.

First things first. Me and Rob are back in contact. It's really nice so far, I do love him and I do care about him. I like knowing he's okay and things about his life. I'm just not sure if it's the best thing for me. Knowing he cares about me still makes me feel good, but almost as soon as the contact ends I start to think bad things again, and get angry or upset. I try not to think about him but it is inevitable that being in touch will mean he is on my mind more. Anna got really mad when I told her how things are with us. She thinks that he's fucking with my head and that because he knows me so well he should know to leave me alone, I don't agree really. But maybe I'm not doing the best thing for myself. If we weren't in touch I'd be hurting about that instead though.

I had the weirdest weekend ever really. Anna came down from Leeds and we went to the Academy on Friday night. I had a proper good night. Last Friday at Clockwork some guy I vaguely know gave me .5 of MD for nothing so me and Spam worked our way through that. As far as MD goes it was pretty weak but we had drank so much that we were fucking battered. Anna’s train got in really late so we just hit it really hard when we got to town. I saw Dan and Ross in The Hatchet. I was a bit embarrassed about the Dan thing so I pretty much ignored him which was a bit stupid. I spoke to Ross and their mate Fowler was being sleazy so we left and went to the Academy. Didn't speak to Dan at all, and then he MySpaced me on Sat and has been ever since. Treat 'em mean and all that. I do like Dan, he's a nice guy, and I love the attention, and he's hot. But I don't want a relationship right now. I miss having someone close but I'm so bitter and untrusting right now that I'm happier on my own. I'm quite enjoying just doing what the fuck I want. It doesn't feel like it used to. I don't feel used, or dirty. I wanted to sleep with Dan, so I did, and now it's still fine. I don't know what's changed? I'm still convinced that trouble will restart if I develop a relationship with anyone. Robert Ward fucked my head up real good when it comes to building trust and being close to someone so it won't happen anytime soon, I won't let it. Me and Spam had so much fun, just dancing about and chatting to so many random people. This guy called Rob, who me and Vicki have been calling Elbow Boy for years, got left with us when his friends left and he was loads of fun too. He’s one of those boys that you sort of wished you fancied, because he's a proper laugh but nothing else. When it came to closing time we were so high that we couldn't bear to go home so were shouting at the Dj to play more. Obviously he didn't oblige so we dragged Elbow Boy to Mr Wolfs, where it seems I am not banned at all like I thought I was! We were just dancing, when I saw all of the boys from The Apple, minus Cey. I totally ignored them because last time I made a proper scene and I was sort of embarrassed. Cey's best mate Craig came over and chatted to me for ages about Cey and everything that had happened. He was really sound about it all, and told me that Cey had cried about me and the situation to him. It sort of made me feel a bit better, I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just a bit sadistic. Maybe I wasn't as throwaway as I thought. Elbow Boy kept going on about how Craig was so amazing because he is a world class BMX-er. Me and Spam kept telling him to shut up because we didn't care.

When Mr Wolfs closed about 5am and me and Spam still weren't up for coming home so we dragged Elbow Boy and Craig back home with us to drink some more. It wasn't "like that" with either of them. It was just all friendly, and Craig has a long term girlfriend. I remember being at home and chatting bollocks to them both about Danny Upps, because Elbow Boy knows him really well. Anna had some poppers so we just got absolutely fucking wasted. I remember Anna went to bed and Craig kept trying to make me sit on his lap. I didn't think anything of it, and I was pretty surprised when Elbow Boy went to bed and Craig tried kissing me. To be honest I was absolutely wasted and quite obliging. I don't really fancy him, but Ju and Flic think he's beautiful so it sort of made me think I should? I remember getting stuck in my dress and him having to help me, I remember kissing him on my bed, I remember being naked and err a few other things but then I spilt the bottle of Poppers on my bed and I remember nothing after that point! I wouldn't be surprised if I just fell asleep, although inevitably I will be too embarrassed to ask next time I see him. I sort of only did it to piss Cey off. I think they are both pretty shit people, they both have girlfriends and they are supposed to be best friends? Maybe girls have different rules when it comes to stuff like this but I'd never shag someone that my mate did a few weeks ago. I might even tell his girlfriend, depends how he acts with me next time I see him. I was a bit worried about going in The Apple, but now it will just be funny. Me and Spam went to town on the Saturday to do some shopping, and we went for a drink in the King William. When we were walking there I was chatting some bollocks, when 3 guys walked past. I didn't even notice until Spam went "Who was that, he was HOT?" Apparently some guy had walked past looking at me, and I turned back and saw it was Cey. What a coincidence, I ignored him by accident. He deserves worse.

We watched the rugby on Sat night; I didn't give a fuck and got absolutely wankered on Old Rosie Cider. It didn't take a lot after the night before. Then we went to town, had a few drinks and made our way to the Academy again. We got on the Mud again, which was WAY better than the night before. I was FUCKED. At one point I couldn't be arsed to rack up a line so I just put the note in the bag, and way too much went up my nose. Oopsy. Rahzel was fucking awesome, and he gave me one of his roses! Klashnekoff was next, he's so hot! He was the highlight for me; although he finished way too early and seemed really pissed off about the lack of attendance. I have never seen the Academy so empty. Killa Kela was amazing too, and he finished off with a bit of D n B which went down a bloody treat. Pad bailed which was a shame as I was really looking forward to reliving the old days and partying damn hard with him. Tom Kitten was out though and that boy is so lovely. He kept dancing with me, and I think it was doable, but my brother would have gone mad if I got with another one of his friends, and erm I was in a bit of pain from the night before. We came home, and stayed up till about 6am, same as usual! I bloody love my Frampton boys. There is not one person I remotely dislike. Spent yesterday coming down and complaining about having to watch the Grand Prix. I did get quite cidered up though, which was fun. Jack came round which was awkward at first because of the history with him and Spam but she held it together really well and the tension let up after a while.

I just worked today, I'm still loving it. It fucking tires me out though; I had to sleep when I got home. I'm going to bed now.

Ooh I just weighted myself and I'm ten stone! Woooooo. Although I think by tomorrow that will have changed as I ate bloody loads for tea. I need to book myself in for another blood test tomorrow