Taking time out

I am kidding myself if I think things are getting any better. I can't talk to anyone about anything that I need to, and I never will be able to.

I know I still wouldn't have the bottle to hang myself, or jump off a bridge or anything like that. But I would be able to take another overdose if I thought what I was taking would do the trick. I thought the last two attempts would work at the time, so I know I could go through with it. I know how it feels to lie there and wonder how many breaths you have left, and I was fine with it. It was sort of a nice feeling. I researched loads of things on the internet about what to take and after my dabbles with paracetamol and codeine failed, I sort of came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do it with would be Heroin, or Barbituates. The Heroine option is just scary as I don't really know how to do it. And I thought the Barbituates option wasn't possible as I'd never be able to convince a Doctor into prescribing me them. They are sleeping tablets that you can only get on prescription, and any Doctor would see my history with overdoses and pretty much laugh at me. Both of those drugs are supposed to bring about a peaceful and non painful death.

This is where things are looking up for me. My new job means I can EASILY get my hands on large quantities of these drugs. The dispensary is right next to the reception and there is never anyone in there; I hand these drugs out to people everyday. I'm just not sure how to do it. Should I steal a couple everyday until I have a large enough stash to take next time I feel really down, or do I just take a massive box of them and hope no-one notices? I'm pretty sure a missing box would get picked up on after a while but it wouldn't matter if I had already taken them all. If I mixed them together with some painkillers that we give to large animals, I'm pretty sure it would be effective. Why didn't I fucking think of this earlier? It is meant to be.

*EDIT- I just googled Phenobarb overdose, it stops your breathing when you are unconscious. So basically is painless. This is exactly what I've been looking for.

I just saw the film "Control" about the lead singer of Joy Division Ian Curtis who hung himself aged just 23.

The film was amazing, and by the end I was hysterically crying. It wasn't really a sob-worthy film, and I don't think I saw anyone else shed a tear; I was an absolute wreck.

It just reminded me of my mindset a few months back. I don't mean to sound like I compare myself to him or anything, but it really hit a nerve. I started crying when he was writing his last note. I know what it is like to try and put something into words, something worthy of leaving to everyone you love, but nothing is good enough. No words can come out to explain how you feel. It makes you feel even more inadequate and just fuels your desire for non-existance. I know what it is like to be just doing some mundane task, and then to look around and see an object and it starts the cogs moving in your head....how can I hurt myself with that? Or what can i do to end it all with the resources I have here?

In those desperate moments nothing else matters but how you feel. Some might consider that selfish, and that you should think of everyone else around you. But then I would just say you have never experienced a low that extreme.

I love a lot of people. I have a lot of amazing people around me, but despite that, at times I have wished I didn't exist. I'd be lying if I said the feelings had gone completely. Mostly to stop my own pain, but also to stop hurting and disappointing other people. It would hurt them for a bit, but then the pain would gradually subside, and I wouldn't be there to disappoint anymore. People have told me that they would rather I hurt them everyday than be dead. But I don't believe they understand what I mean.

I wish I didn't need anyone else. I never used to. I wish I had someone to talk to when I needed to, but I don't. Everyone thinks I'm "well" again, and on the whole I am. But I still feel shit sometimes, and it's even worse now. I can't talk to people because they just worry. So I'm stuck here bottling it all up until I break down again. And I know I will. It's just a matter of time.

I need to be on my own to learn how to live again, but I can't cope with my own thoughts alone. And it is no-one elses responsibility to help me.

The last 5/6 months are just a blur; an existance, not a life. I haven't been living, I've been passing time, but what for? I just want to get out of my own head. I want to take a new drug to just numb it all, but anything I can think of just heightens already existing emotions. Apart from one. I know it works, I've felt it before. But I can't even let that thought enter my head. I've been trying to fight it, but I'm not sure there is another way. Only one other person in the world knows what I mean by that, and he doesn't give a fuck anyway. I'm going in the right direction, but too slow for my liking. I wish I could stop feeling, just for a bit. I need a fucking break.

This post is going to make me sound like an awful human being.

First things first. Me and Rob are back in contact. It's really nice so far, I do love him and I do care about him. I like knowing he's okay and things about his life. I'm just not sure if it's the best thing for me. Knowing he cares about me still makes me feel good, but almost as soon as the contact ends I start to think bad things again, and get angry or upset. I try not to think about him but it is inevitable that being in touch will mean he is on my mind more. Anna got really mad when I told her how things are with us. She thinks that he's fucking with my head and that because he knows me so well he should know to leave me alone, I don't agree really. But maybe I'm not doing the best thing for myself. If we weren't in touch I'd be hurting about that instead though.

I had the weirdest weekend ever really. Anna came down from Leeds and we went to the Academy on Friday night. I had a proper good night. Last Friday at Clockwork some guy I vaguely know gave me .5 of MD for nothing so me and Spam worked our way through that. As far as MD goes it was pretty weak but we had drank so much that we were fucking battered. Anna’s train got in really late so we just hit it really hard when we got to town. I saw Dan and Ross in The Hatchet. I was a bit embarrassed about the Dan thing so I pretty much ignored him which was a bit stupid. I spoke to Ross and their mate Fowler was being sleazy so we left and went to the Academy. Didn't speak to Dan at all, and then he MySpaced me on Sat and has been ever since. Treat 'em mean and all that. I do like Dan, he's a nice guy, and I love the attention, and he's hot. But I don't want a relationship right now. I miss having someone close but I'm so bitter and untrusting right now that I'm happier on my own. I'm quite enjoying just doing what the fuck I want. It doesn't feel like it used to. I don't feel used, or dirty. I wanted to sleep with Dan, so I did, and now it's still fine. I don't know what's changed? I'm still convinced that trouble will restart if I develop a relationship with anyone. Robert Ward fucked my head up real good when it comes to building trust and being close to someone so it won't happen anytime soon, I won't let it. Me and Spam had so much fun, just dancing about and chatting to so many random people. This guy called Rob, who me and Vicki have been calling Elbow Boy for years, got left with us when his friends left and he was loads of fun too. He’s one of those boys that you sort of wished you fancied, because he's a proper laugh but nothing else. When it came to closing time we were so high that we couldn't bear to go home so were shouting at the Dj to play more. Obviously he didn't oblige so we dragged Elbow Boy to Mr Wolfs, where it seems I am not banned at all like I thought I was! We were just dancing, when I saw all of the boys from The Apple, minus Cey. I totally ignored them because last time I made a proper scene and I was sort of embarrassed. Cey's best mate Craig came over and chatted to me for ages about Cey and everything that had happened. He was really sound about it all, and told me that Cey had cried about me and the situation to him. It sort of made me feel a bit better, I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just a bit sadistic. Maybe I wasn't as throwaway as I thought. Elbow Boy kept going on about how Craig was so amazing because he is a world class BMX-er. Me and Spam kept telling him to shut up because we didn't care.

When Mr Wolfs closed about 5am and me and Spam still weren't up for coming home so we dragged Elbow Boy and Craig back home with us to drink some more. It wasn't "like that" with either of them. It was just all friendly, and Craig has a long term girlfriend. I remember being at home and chatting bollocks to them both about Danny Upps, because Elbow Boy knows him really well. Anna had some poppers so we just got absolutely fucking wasted. I remember Anna went to bed and Craig kept trying to make me sit on his lap. I didn't think anything of it, and I was pretty surprised when Elbow Boy went to bed and Craig tried kissing me. To be honest I was absolutely wasted and quite obliging. I don't really fancy him, but Ju and Flic think he's beautiful so it sort of made me think I should? I remember getting stuck in my dress and him having to help me, I remember kissing him on my bed, I remember being naked and err a few other things but then I spilt the bottle of Poppers on my bed and I remember nothing after that point! I wouldn't be surprised if I just fell asleep, although inevitably I will be too embarrassed to ask next time I see him. I sort of only did it to piss Cey off. I think they are both pretty shit people, they both have girlfriends and they are supposed to be best friends? Maybe girls have different rules when it comes to stuff like this but I'd never shag someone that my mate did a few weeks ago. I might even tell his girlfriend, depends how he acts with me next time I see him. I was a bit worried about going in The Apple, but now it will just be funny. Me and Spam went to town on the Saturday to do some shopping, and we went for a drink in the King William. When we were walking there I was chatting some bollocks, when 3 guys walked past. I didn't even notice until Spam went "Who was that, he was HOT?" Apparently some guy had walked past looking at me, and I turned back and saw it was Cey. What a coincidence, I ignored him by accident. He deserves worse.

We watched the rugby on Sat night; I didn't give a fuck and got absolutely wankered on Old Rosie Cider. It didn't take a lot after the night before. Then we went to town, had a few drinks and made our way to the Academy again. We got on the Mud again, which was WAY better than the night before. I was FUCKED. At one point I couldn't be arsed to rack up a line so I just put the note in the bag, and way too much went up my nose. Oopsy. Rahzel was fucking awesome, and he gave me one of his roses! Klashnekoff was next, he's so hot! He was the highlight for me; although he finished way too early and seemed really pissed off about the lack of attendance. I have never seen the Academy so empty. Killa Kela was amazing too, and he finished off with a bit of D n B which went down a bloody treat. Pad bailed which was a shame as I was really looking forward to reliving the old days and partying damn hard with him. Tom Kitten was out though and that boy is so lovely. He kept dancing with me, and I think it was doable, but my brother would have gone mad if I got with another one of his friends, and erm I was in a bit of pain from the night before. We came home, and stayed up till about 6am, same as usual! I bloody love my Frampton boys. There is not one person I remotely dislike. Spent yesterday coming down and complaining about having to watch the Grand Prix. I did get quite cidered up though, which was fun. Jack came round which was awkward at first because of the history with him and Spam but she held it together really well and the tension let up after a while.

I just worked today, I'm still loving it. It fucking tires me out though; I had to sleep when I got home. I'm going to bed now.

Ooh I just weighted myself and I'm ten stone! Woooooo. Although I think by tomorrow that will have changed as I ate bloody loads for tea. I need to book myself in for another blood test tomorrow

Today was the fourth worst day of my life. I have been trying not to dwell on, or think about this but now it has been and gone. I just want to go to sleep for 10 years. I feel so sick too.

I'm just baking a MASSIVE chocolate cake; I have become quite a pro recently!

Right my weekend in Leeds.....

..was fucking epic. It was probably quite run of the mill- see everyone - get trashed but I am feeling quite a lot better in myself. Everyone was making comments about how I seem to be back to my old self and that they really enjoyed seeing me. Apart from the obvious Spam and Nat, it was amazing to spend time with Tom, Wynne and a bit of Lambourne too. I forgot how fun Chris Wynne is and how well we get along. It probably helps that I'm not living with them too.

I got to Leeds on Thurs evening. It was pissing down but as soon as I walked out of the train station I felt as if I was home. I'm not sure why I love Leeds so much, we've just bonded! I went to Arts Cafe to see Nat, and meet Spam and Eva was working too. Eva is so pretty, and so much nicer for not realising it. We had a couple of glasses of wine and then went to Milo. The barman from Milo is LOVELY. We were chatting to him a bit, then I saw him at the end of the night in a takeaway place and he gave me a locket (my voice went completely last weekend, I sounded like a freak) and then I saw him in town the next day too! I was too shy to speak to him but he was looking. I have realised that I have COMPLETELY lost my ability to chat up men. In fact I'm not even sure I ever had one. I always think that men don't fancy me. The first night I hooked up with Rob it took him to come back to Laylas and stay up till the early hours with me until I realised he MIGHT be interested. And that time I got with Vickis friend at Reading, I thought his invite into his tent for a spliff was just that, and promptly left afterwards. I felt like a bit of a twat the next day when he told me it was basically a proposition. So yeh, Thurs night, Spam and Nat had work the next day so we went back to their house, and I was planning to just go to bed. But then Tom got back, and I was pretty pissed and I hadn't seen him or his friends since Jan so we ended up going to Wire. I had a lovely night, it was just me, Tom, Cormac and Dan but it was proper fun to catch up with Mr Lascelles, and have him look after me as always. I was LASHED, a rum and coke was £1.60, it was obscene.

I was meant to meet Rob the next day for an hour but I hadn't really realised that he had agreed to it, I thought he just said he would to shut me up and that he had no intention of being there. So I didn't set my alarm, and wasn't there when he was. He was annoyed obviously, and I was annoyed at myself.

On Friday me and Wynne went to town and just pottered about, I had fuckloads to do but Wynne's sloth-like attitude rubbed off on me and I didn't do any of it. It was Wynne’s actual birthday and we went to the Royal Park pub, and they did karaoke. Oh my lord it was bad. I went home early and went to bed because my throat was fucking killing and I didn't want to feel rubbish for the actual party. I had a nice chat with Sally who I'd never really spoken to on a one-to-one basis and it was good to talk to everyone just in a pub environment.

On Saturday we went to town again and I got myself an outfit and Spam a present. Once again I must reiterate; I love Leeds. Saturday night was the night of the party. So many funny as fuck things happened, and I'd love to write gushingly about everyone here but I don't have the time. And to be honest I don't remember most of the night. Me, Nat and her bloke went to a couple of house parties after, and it felt like being in Leeds a year ago. I met so many new people, or people I'd not properly got to know previously, and it was great because they knew nothing about me. I was just being me, and being liked. I met a lovely boy, but erm he was called Rob, and that would just be weird. Alex came to the party too, it was awesome to see him, although I was a bit conscious that I should sort of keep my distance and it worked well. No weirdness at all. I stayed up until about nine Sunday morning and then totally couldn't sleep because of all the pills. It wasn't a bad thing. We went to Faversham on Sunday evening to get a roast dinner and to see some acoustic acts. I ate my dinner, and it promptly came back up afterwards but it did make me feel a lot better and soon I was up for getting on 2-4-1 cocktails with Lambourne and Wynne! I was wasted. Not really drunk, mostly just getting topped up from the previous days excesses. We saw a load of people from the night before as well because they all work there, and I was chatting to their mate Kitch, who is really nice for a proper stoner!

Sadly, I had to go home on the Monday, and slept for about 24hours afterwards. Considering all the problems with my blood levels at the mo, I think I did pretty fucking well to be involved in all of it. I really didn't want to come home. And now I really want to go back. I think I'm aiming to be back there by the New Year. Everyone is working 9-5 now, apart from Wynne, and things are totally different. I didn't feel like the odd one out anymore. It was almost a role reversal on Thurs night when I was getting ready to go out at midnight and Spam and Nat were going to bed. I miss everyone so much too. Spam is coming down to visit in 2 weeks time, and hopefully Nat will come too.

Not a lot has happened since last weekend. My Dad has gone on holiday, which I'm a bit sad about. Me and Dad have been getting on really well recently. Suddenly he has seemed to realise that I don't want to just slot into his and Cheryl’s life and that I want him to make time to see me. So instead of just flippantly inviting me over there for tea, he has been coming to see me here and taking me out. I value it a lot more and it makes me feel as if he values me a lot more.

I am not signed off sick from work anymore, and I have been looking for a part time job. It has to be part time because I have no energy until my blood is corrected. I have applied for a part time receptionist/clerical role for the animal charity PDSA. I love animals, and I think I would really look forward to going to work if I got it. The pay is fuck all, but right now I don't need much cash. I just want to ease myself back into work.

Shit...I forgot to mention my Doctors appointment. Last week I had my appointment with Dr Brooks, and we did the Rewind under sort of a hyponsis/ meditating environment. I don't want to explain the ins and outs of the therapy here because I worry I might undo the good if I think about it too deeply. I don't even know if it worked, I'm not sure how I will be able to tell? BUT I have been feeling positive, however that may just be because I've been having a good few days. She looked at my latest blood results and my iron stores are still WELL below what they should be. Between 11 and 305 is normal, and mine are 3. She has changed my medication and hopes this will help. I have another appointment in a few weeks and she says we should see an improvement by then.

Friday night.... I went out with Ju and her bloke. We drank champagne before we went. I don't know what it is about champagne but it is guaranteed to make me happy drunk, I love it. We went to Sublime and met Vicki, and some other people. Then we went to the hatchet where we bumped into Rob Thomas! Long time no see, but all was well. Had a good chat, he said he was a bit worried about me. Who isn't?

I saw Ross there and was badgering him onto coming to a club. I have seen Ross out loads recently, he always hugs me, and gives me a kiss on the forehead, and we have exchanged a few myspace messages but I thought it was just friendly? He came to Ramshackle in the end and I was well pleased to see him, he was with Dan etc. Me and Dan have got history, I've kissed him a million times but I think Ross got a bit funny about it? They're like best mates but recently I've been getting on really well with Ross. I don't fancy him and I don't think he fancies me. A few weeks back he tried to kiss me and I told him not to because I had a boyfriend (I didn't) but then I kissed Dan the same night. Oh well. If you ask me Ross shouldn't be trying it on with Dan’s interests. For example if erm Vicki kissed Dan I'd be angry. Not because I really like him, just because you don't do that! I ended up staying at Dan’s house. I've known him since I was about 17, it was all very relaxed. He's so easy to get along with, and all in all I had a lot of fun with him. I really fancy him too, I think he's about 28 and he certainly knows what he's doing in that department. He has his tongue pierced too, and it was the most fun I'd had in a long time! The best bit is that I didn't feel weird after or during or anything. I think it is purely because of our year’s worth of history. He was really really affectionate after too which was nice. Dan never has girlfriends and has a reputation for being a bit of a ladies man so I was quite surprised by this. ALSO Cey is NEVER in the academy, he knows I go there but I have never seen him there. But he was there on Friday. He walked in when I was kissing Dan, it was quite funny. He looked well pissed off. What a twat. He wasn't with his normal entourage of male friends either so I imagine he may have felt a little awkward. Good. Julie thought he was there to see me, but I doubt it. I know his phone is broke again. I hope he's girlfriendless and STILL dateless. Although I doubt it because he's beautiful.

I went to Tracey’s last night for tea, and Pete and Freda came too. It was lovely to see everyone and nice to have a quiet night after the previous evenings activities. I was feeling quite fragile, and erm couldn't possibly have gone out again because I'm covered in carpet burns. Nice.

I really hope I get this job, hopefully I'll find out tomorrow!

I will update properly tomorrow, I have loads to write about nearly two weeks worth of things! I'm going to bed now because I'm knackered but I had to write this because I can't tell people- I slept with Danny Upps! Haha, dear lord. I was normal too, no mentalness. Things are getting better. I'll write the full story tomorrow. I'm quite pissed.