I have been sleeping so much better for the past few days. I have been trying to eat as much as possible too, and today when I put on my green dress that is a size 6 it would hardly do up, hurrah. Saying that though, my weight hasn't really changed and unless I get my 10-12 hours sleep a day I feel fucking knackered. I'm taking my iron tablets regularly, and I've been eating a lot of prunes because iron makes you so constipated, lovely!
Today both KinErgy and Avon Sexual Abuse Centre called me back to discuss the messages I left on their answer phone last week. Avon Sexual Abuse Centre said I was not eligible for treatment with them as I do not live in their catchment area. I was a little pissed off about this because I don't think YMHT should have referred me there in the first place. And with KinErgy there is a fucking seven month waiting list for treatment after the initial assessment. Rape and sexual abuse must be pretty fucking common, there are a lot of shit men in the world, but I didn't think getting help would be this difficult.
So I'm back to square one, and without help once again. Me and Mum are going to go to the Doc this week to discuss this, and get my next prescription. Unless I get help, and see a path for future recovery the same thing is just going to keep happening. Right now I don't feel that disheartened about it all but I'm sure that will change without proper assistance.
Had a small amount of contact with Rob today, not a lot to say about that. He's obviously not very interested in maintaining any kind of friendship with me. Right now I don't give a shit, but I'm sure that will change too. It always does.
Me and mum went shopping earlier; some bloke was with his girlfriend and staring at me from behind his sunglasses, as if he thought I couldn't see what he was doing. Fucking twat. I nearly kicked his car door it made me so angry. That is the kind of aggression that I need to get fixed. Graham was a good counsellor in that we built a really good relationship and trust, but the sort of counselling I need isn't to just go into a room and offload. I need my thoughts to be challenged and if possible altered. Because I know some of the ways I view things aren't just different; they're also wrong. The doctor, nurse and social worker from last week agreed with this also.
In the police cell last week, me and Mum sorted so much stuff; I can't even begin to write about it all here. Mum started asking me about things from my past. But one thing which I didn't even view as relevant and had forgotten is how I lost my virginity. It seems this is one more thing to add to a long list of horrible sexual experiences with men. I was pretty young, and I really liked the guy. So did all my friends, he was really gentle, and not like other boys, and he was really interesting. I was sort of caught up in his manner. Anyway, we'd been on a few "dates" and we went back to his house as his parents were on holiday. We watched some TV, listened to some music and then started messing around in his room. Everything was fine, it wasn't forced or anything and until that point I was enjoying it. I thought I was ready to do it, and he got on top of me, but it really really hurt so I told him to stop. Suddenly I felt a bit cold, was very aware that I was naked, and erm a bit like a fish out of water. But he didn't stop. I didn't fight him, I pushed at his arms a bit but couldn't move him, and I just kept asking him to stop and telling him that it was hurting me. He didn't. I think it was his first time too, so it didn't last very long and luckily the ordeal was over pretty soon. I went home pretty soon after and avoided him and his phone calls until he got the hint and left me alone. To all his friends I was the bitch who just broke his heart by not getting back to him. It was all very immature.
I was sobbing when I told my Mum that story. I had always thought that I consented to that because I didn't fight. But my Mum was livid and from her reaction I see that it was wrong. I didn't just say no once, I said it until it was over. I have never really talked about this before either. I had always thought that my recent reactions to men in sexual circumstances e.g. Rob or Cey were completely over-exaggerated and that the things from my past didn't warrant reactions as extreme as these. But I am starting to see that this is not true, and that my views on men, although they might be wrong or distorted, they are completely valid. I really hope this will stop me chastising myself so much in future. I just need to understand myself better.
So yeh, earlier I bought some denim high waisted shorts, a shirt, a bag and a scarf. It all looks ace, ha I sound so cocky these days. My Mum straightened my hair too, so today I've had it straight and up, which made a nice change. Dear lord, I'm so boring. Being so obsessed with my appearance helps me to pass the day.
Need to make plans to see Rosie and Ju this week but I am so skint till I get paid that I can't. I'd also like to point out that it is 5 days since I was in a cell, and I still haven't seen my Dad. He invited me around for dinner the other day but as if I want to sit at a dinner table with Claire and Cheryl and whoever else. Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough but I don't want to be an exhibition when I feel so shit. My Dad shouldn't have gone away that day when I needed him, and he should have made an effort to see me since. I'm not just slotting into his plans in future, if he wants to see me he has to make an effort. I don't just expect him to fit into my life with my friends, like I don't invite him to town on a Friday, and I don't ask him to come to dinner with Mum and Tony. So it should work both ways. No more shit.
I also find it weird that people read my blog, not in a bad way! Just when I first started writing it, it was (and still is) just an outlet for my feelings when I have no-one else to speak to. I never thought it would be read by others. I don't mind though! I guess it's sort of cool if people want to read my incessant ramblings! Thanks to anyone who sent me a nice message/comment in the last few days too. Sounds so silly but when you're at rock bottom, little things mean a lot.
Fuck knows what I'm doing tomorrow, but I'm trying to just take each day one at a time. I think I need a job, but my Mum, and the Doctor from last week, seemed to think a full time job will be too much for me right now because when my counselling starts I will need to devote a lot of time to my recovery. So I don't know what to do.
