Taking time out

Cey just called me to say he has a new phone. I wish he hadn't.

I feel like shit. I think the only reason I haven't done something silly is because I'm puppy sitting and she is a pretty good distraction.

On friday night I cut my arms up really bad. I had drank a bottle of wine and was really really down. It just turns my furious rage into tears, which is easier to deal with I suppose. I have been trying really hard to hide it and no-one has noticed yet but I'm sure my Mum will. I sound like a fucking angsty teenager but it honestly temporarily relieves something.

Last night was another awful night. I went out with Laura and her new chap Phil for a few drinks and everything was fine. I was having so much fun, and purposely avoided The Apple so I wouldn't see Cey. I'm banned from Thekla now by the way after Thursday nights behaviour. We went to Sublime, The King William, The Old Duke and then to Mr Wolfs! I really thought Mr Wolfs was a safe bet as I never see anyone I know in there, I was having an ace night until the the fucking staff from The Apple walked in. I had a massive row with Cey, who has now finished with his girlfriend of three years. He's a fucking arrogant twat and I wish he had just left me alone from the start.

I was so drunk, I can't remember why but I did smack someone and got kicked out from there too. I am just one big ball of rage at the moment, I am angry with myself and literally everyone else and it is becoming more and more uncontrollable. I wasn't even sorry and I'm sure he was pretty awful to me to provoke that reaction, but it's not acceptable and pretty soon I'll get in trouble for it. I was sick again last night. I'm just in self destruct mode fully at the moment and I really don't know how to stop it. Rob is out of my life and I'm still being mental. I can't blame him anymore. I'm not a horrible person so why do I keep acting like this? Cey did actually call me mental last night so now he's seen the real me too. I don't know how to end this horrible cycle that I seem to have got myself into. I need to get out of Bristol. It is too small. But I'm not strong enough to be somewhere on my own right now. I don't know what to do. Again.