Just when I think everything is looking up, I get put back in my place again.
Last night was horrible and I have a feeling it is going to get worse.
Hannah came round mine, we drank a bottle of wine, I had my confidence out for some reason, and I was quite aware that I looked pretty hot. We went to town, Hannah wanted to go to The Apple as she’d never been before and I was more than willing!
Cey was working, looking lovely as ever. I made Hannah go get first drinks cos I don’t like to seem like I only go there to see him. He soon spotted me, came over for a chat, told me I looked hot and asked me to go to Thekla with him when he finished work. This was pretty much the plan anyway so I said I might, all was going to plan. He was being proper flirty with me all night, it was really nice, and he was giving us free drinks, so I was fucking hammered by the end. We left The Apple and went to Sublime for a couple, where the barman was trying to chat me up too. Then we went to Thekla, it was some Indie/Electro night. I’ve grown to like some Indie but this was all proper pretentious wank. I don’t think I recognised one song, there was never anyone on the dance floor and the Dj was a cunt. So we went upstairs and sat down and drank more (a G&T was £1.50, I was fucked). I was having a really fun night so far. We saw Ross, Danny Upps, and their fit mate who I saw at Reading, they were a laugh as always and a bit of an ego boost. Me and Hannah went off to see if the music had got better so we could have a dance, and saw Cey coming in and he came downstairs with us. Me and Hannah went off to harass the dj and he went to find his mates from work. I saw his mate Stu too who apologised for his behaviour last time. Stu was really nice last night; I don’t think he’s a dick anymore. Anyway, saw Cey later on and he was really really off with me, I couldn’t understand why because it was a drastic change from how he was earlier, and he’d actually asked me to go with him to Thekla? He then told me that he’s got a girlfriend and that I was just a shag. He said I was so hot that he couldn’t say no. He fucking chased me not the other way round, he made it sound as if I threw myself at him but the last thing I was thinking was that I wanted to jump into bed with someone. The man who raped me told me I had it coming because of how I looked. Men are so fucking twisted. I’m so sick of being used. This upset me a lot, why did he bother to do everything he did if he has a girlfriend? Why text me to tell me how amazing I am, why get so emotionally into all my shit, why get me to go to Thekla if he’s just going to be like that? I recon that somebody turned up who could have got him in trouble with his girlfriend and he just had to. He is in so much trouble if I ever find out who she is. I was so fucking angry with him anyway. I don’t really like him or anything but he was a good distraction from Rob. And now it’s just left me feeling used and worthless. Again. I caused a massive scene in the middle of Thekla anyway and today I’ve got a message off Ross who barely knows me saying he was really worried about me. I think I made a proper idiot out of myself and now everyone will know how mental I am. Just as I was enjoying going out in Bristol again. Why didn’t I realise he had a girlfriend? His bedroom was a fucking tip, there were no photos around, I didn’t see any signs of a girl in his life. I feel humiliated. Now I’m worried Hannah won’t speak to me anymore because she saw how mental I really am. I text Rob too, which I am really angry at myself for doing. I text Hannah to say sorry but I’m sure it’s not really a consolation when she had to witness her friend try and throw herself off the side of a massive boat.
It gets worse.
I stopped taking my pill 3 days ago for the break for my period and I haven’t come on. I’m too scared to take a test after how awful it was last time. I’m such a fucking idiot. I’ve been so shit at taking my pill recently because I simply haven’t needed to worry if I take it late so I could have missed it at any point before I slept with him. I definitely took it okay after. I have a really bad feeling. I must actually be the most fertile person in the world. Why don’t I learn from my mistakes? And why the fuck was I having unprotected sex with a barman who I suspected of being a bit of a player anyway?
I’ve been trying so hard. But right now I feel like I need help, and I don’t know where to turn? When things start to go shit I can always feel it happening and I think it’s going to happen again this weekend. My Mum is going away, my Dad is useless and my brother is going out. I’ll be on my own. I’m already on my own. It’s a horrible feeling. Right now I wish I was dead.
