Ok, here I am going to try to explain about yesterday’s session with Dr Brooks. At first she just asked me loads of questions about my past, my childhood, relationships, Rob, and then she got more specific. She had read all of my case notes from the people in Yate so it was much more fulfilling for me than having to just repeat everything for what would be about the tenth time by now.
She then started to speak to me about how my brain works, and how she thinks we can help me. Some of this does sound a bit hippy-ish, and I am sceptical, BUT I am not ruling it out, and he therapy does seem to be based on a sound knowledge of how the brain works.
She obviously (the same as everyone else) saw that “the incident” two years ago has affected my life hugely both emotionally and in the way I interact with others. Although I don’t ever think about it, and I feel pretty numb towards it, it is obviously in my unconscious somewhere causing me a lot of grief. She explained a lot to me about cognition and I can’t remember all of the terminology here! Basically for this we need to think of our brain as having two parts; one which deals with basic emotions and instincts such as pain, pleasure, sadness etc. This is the limbic system, and the other which I cannot remember the name of but this deals with problem solving and rationalising and more complex thought patterns. When our limbic system is highly aroused e.g. when I have been suicidal lately, we cannot rationalise properly using the other part of our brain. This would explain that when I get my doubts, and times of depression, I cannot see reality. It is not just a case of pull yourself together Chloe.
Doctor Brooks seems to think two things will help me. These things are that under a sort of hypnotised or trance like state, we should think about what happened to me, and then do it in reverse, and back, and in reverse again, a few times. She thinks this memory is sat there in my limbic system attaching itself to all kinds of emotions and instincts, and in doing this; it might help it to pass to the other part of my brain where it can be dealt with rationally. Like I say, I am sceptical but Dr Brooks is very reputable and has been to Rwanda to help groups of children deal with their Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is one thing I was diagnosed with.
She also mentioned that we need to teach my brain to stop associating all men with that vile disgusting man. At the moment subconsciously my brain treats all men as a potential threat and it can trigger anger and hurt, even if they are someone as close as my long term boyfriend. Apparently there are various exercises we can do to retrain my cognitions, and break this reaction. She mentioned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is what several Doctors have spoken to me about) and she said this is similar, although with CBT you can have to have up to 20 sessions to retrain your mind.
Before I went home we did a sort of yoga relaxation technique which I have to do for ten minutes everyday until our next appointment to help my brain tune into its subconscious. I suppose I shouldn’t be so doubtful, because hypnotherapy has been a recognised means of treatment for years. Although when she did start going on about Yoga and relaxation techniques I thought “Oh Shit.”
I am sceptical for another reason however and I will explain that. I don’t feel anything about that incident or anything towards the man who raped me. I sort of feel as if in the past few months I have tried so hard to deal with this, and slot it into its place inside my head. I talked to Dr Brooks at length about what happened, and didn’t feel anything, and didn’t even shed a tear. It was when we started talking about Rob that I was a wreck, I was absolutely choked with emotion, and couldn’t speak for crying. I hadn’t expected that. I don’t know what has happened but any pain or hurt I feel is now associated with him, and I don’t think this therapy will help because of that. She kept talking about “trauma” and that trauma was what we were dealing with, but I think me being raped has been replaced by what my brain considers to be a bigger trauma. And since it was not an actual event that can be processed I’m not sure this therapy will work. I also thought back to how I weirded out on Cey that night. I didn’t get upset for the same reasons I used to with Rob. I didn’t cry or get tense because I felt disgusted at myself, or that it reminded me of anything. I cried because it wasn’t Rob, and because I was disgusted with myself that Rob doesn’t fancy me anymore. It’s sort of as if everything has been transferred, and I’m not sure what to do about that. Now when I think of men and how I don’t trust them, I don’t think of being raped because I never trusted that man in the first place. I think of Rob and how he betrayed my trust. This is all so fucked up. Why can’t it be as simple as I didn’t trust men, but then I did trust one, and now everything is ok?!
