Taking time out

So much has happened in the last 24hours and normally I would post more than once a day, but today I haven’t so I don’t know where to start!

Yesterday afternoon I started on at Rob again about wanting to see him, completely aware of the reaction it provokes in him, but feeling really desperate to want to see him, and to also prove to him that it wouldn’t be hassle. It would just be 2 people who love each other having a nice weekend. This cumulated in him saying he wanted the whole “us” scenario to end, once and for all and that he was absolutely sick of me, and sick of my shit. I was absolutely hysterical. I was meant to be going to Cheryl’s for tea with my Dad but when he came to pick me up I was just lying on my bed crying and shaking, I wouldn’t even hug him. I told him repeatedly that I wanted to be on my own and eventually he left me. Everyone leaves in the end.

The main reason for me being so hysterical (I think) was that I feel as if I have come quite far in the past week in terms of getting better. Yes I still have lows, yes I still have huge mood swings but I have not in the past week actually sat in my room and thought of possible ways to kill myself. This sounds like a trivial thing but everyday from when I was discharged from hospital after the overdose, until a about a week ago I have not been able to stop thinking of possible ways to end it all, in lots of locations and situations.

This weekend I am going to go to Leeds, I am going to show him I still know how to have fun, I want to meet his friends and make a good impression (if I can understand their funny accents) and most of all I want to prove to myself that I can be normal.

This brings me nicely to the subject of my Mother. She doesn’t want me to go to Leeds and she has taken my bank card and railcard off me. I do not respond well to such heavy-handed tactics EVER and she should know that better than anyone. I do see why she is worried, but she is not acknowledging how much I have improved in the past week, or even how much Graham says I have improved in the past week. I do not want to kill myself because things are moving forward, and for the first time in along while I am looking forward to it. I know she is just scared but she has been trying to make out as if I am not capable of making decisions because I am mentally ill. This is not true. I am feeling very rational right now, and I have had three psychiatric assessments. If I was not capable of making decisions I would have been locked up, simple as that, because I would have posed too large a risk to myself to be free. I’m very sure this was a decision that was not taken lightly by the NHS. And also by telling me she thinks I cannot decide things to myself she is also knocking the new found confidence that I seem to have built up in the last few days.

I spoke to Graham about wanting to come up, I really do think I put Mums point across as much as possible because I know she is worried for valid reasons, but we came to a conclusion together that is probably is best for me to go. He actually said that I seem very rational in my thinking about it all, and that I am not just acting on an impulse to see Rob, and that maybe that should be my main concern, rather than any guilt I would feel at going. I want to go for many reasons. Obviously the main one is Rob. I’d also like to prove to myself that I can be okay. I’d also like to feel normal for a weekend, I have been wrapped in cotton wool for over a week now and it’s making me bored, but it is also making me more anxious and more paranoid. I find myself thinking am I ready to do certain things. Of course I am, I did them 2 weeks ago when things were worse than this. I am Chloe Green and I am strong, and I am getting stronger everyday. I am also really keen to meet Rob’s friends. It has been a while since I met new people, and they will know nothing about me, and I sort of want to pretend that everything is okay for a weekend and make myself liked by people. Because I know recently I have been a pain in the arse. I also want to show Rob that we can still have fun, and I want “us” to be something we can be positive about and look forward to rather than dread and avoid. I also want to go out and have a good night. But mostly I want to lie on his bed, with him behind me and his arms round me, and feel for one moment in time that nothing else can get me. It sounds so fucking cheesy but I adore him.

I had my second counselling session this morning. Largely we talked about me going to Leeds this weekend. Graham isn’t paid to tell me what to do or think or how to act, but I get the impression if he thought me going away this weekend was a bad idea, he would have structured his questioning in a way to lead my to conclude that myself. But he didn’t. He also said that although he had only seen me twice since my initial assessment, he didn’t see any despair in me anymore, like he did the first time we met. Although my change in medication, and my bi-weekly sessions with him are such small things, they have provided me with a very small lifeline. A sort of way of dealing with things, and a possible route forwards, maybe into eventual happiness which I never had before. Before I felt desperate and now I am looking forward, taking each day as it comes. It feels good! I’ve just realised that today I am really positive; the only thing looming over me is Mum.

My session earlier sort of progressed from me speaking about how angry I was with Mum for making out as if I cannot make my own decisions, to not wanting to feel weak. And again the conversation reverted back to Rob. I started to speak about how he doesn’t like to feel responsible for me and my happiness, and how I feel weak, and he is strong. Graham said that just because I have things to deal with it does not mean I am weak. The fact that I am taking steps to deal with things says the opposite and that I am fighting to keep my head above water. He also said he notices I feel as if I carry a great deal of blame for things that have happened to me. I said although sometimes I know I am not to blame, I still get angry because I have to deal with the aftermath, and it makes me very bitter and angry. Graham also questioned why I think of myself as weak and Rob as strong. He said it isn’t a matter of that, he said that maybe Rob just has stronger footing at the moment. I said it was upsetting to be hurting Rob all the time because I am making him like me. Graham didn’t really address that, as I’ve said before he isn’t really concerned with how other people feel. He said to me even if Rob is stronger than me, it doesn’t mean I am wrong. And that to need assurance and comfort is a very natural and human craving. He said the most important thing that I need to realise is that none of this is my fault, and that I am blameless in all of this. He said people cope with things in different ways and that Rob is one of my coping mechanisms. Graham is well aware that things aren’t exactly peachy with me and Rob, but that he gives me just enough to help me cope with things, he compared it to a sinking ship; that rob fills enough gaps to keep me afloat. I’m really not sure that he would appreciate that because he hates the way it is at the moment, but Graham said that this will start to even out when I am a bit better. When I have less emotional voids to fill, I won’t need as much from him. That analogy is quite rude, filling holes n all.

I told Graham I was still writing in here, and he was really pleased with me, especially when I said how much I had written. I said it helped because I feel so overwhelmed sometimes by how I feel, that offloading it in this way can sometimes help me to feel a bit emotionally empty, but in a good way. I have noticed that even during writing this tonight I feel lighter. I also told him I wrote Leigh that email, and he was pleased with that too. In the next few days I am aim to be able to write the other thing down, but I don’t feel ready right now.

My next session is Friday. I will get the train to Leeds after it. I have decided to try and work on my mother and prove I am getting better until Thursday, but if she is still being obstructive I will book my tickets anyway. She cannot make me a prisoner. I am going to tell her she can do it my way, and give me my bank card and railcard back, in which case I will do my best to reassure her whilst I am gone. If she won’t, I won’t make contact with her whilst I am in Leeds. I know this is a really harsh ultimatum, but so is taking my things. If I didn’t want to be in Bristol trying to get better, I wouldn’t be. If I wanted to top myself right now, I would. These are decisions I can make anytime I want, but I haven’t and I think she is kidding herself if she thinks me being under her supervision is enough to stop me doing something if I really wanted to. I am getting better, I am not misguided enough to think that after a week it’s all solved, I know there’s a long way to go but I’m doing it. And I want that to be recognised.

Despite having had a lovely afternoon with pad I feel really really angry. Maybe it’s the reply I got from Leigh, or maybe it’s the stuff with Rob. Maybe I’m just angry with myself for being such a useless human being who expects too much of people. I fucking hate myself right now. How are me and Rob ever going to work if I constantly think he doesn’t feel the same as me. And right now he doesn’t, I want to see him, he doesn’t want to see me. This is fucking my head up. I’m never going to get better am I? I have nowhere to live in Leeds, I’m kidding myself if I think I’m ever going back. I don’t even think Rob wants me to. Bristol doesn’t feel right, and I don’t even think it’s doing me much good being here, so all his shit about me doing what’s right for me isn’t relevant. But he will never say he wants me to move back to Leeds, because I don’t think he does. Maybe I need to admit to myself that it is over for good, and it is my fault. I have fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me, because right now he doesn’t want to know. I wish I didn’t exist. Everything always hurts so much, I just want it to end.

11:54: They were half right. I do feel better for letting him know, and making him feel shit. But his reply has not done anything for me. Fuck him.

I had a really shit nights sleep. I feel really tired and drained today. It's so weird how different I can feel from one morning to the other.

I’m really angry at Russell. He hasn't really bothered with me at all this weekend, even when they have just been sat about in Frampton he hasn't called me. He was one of the main reasons I left on Friday night. I love my brother but I cannot stand to see the messes he gets himself into recently. It would be funny if it was anyone else but because it's Russ it seems wrong. And it happens too often. Does he want to end up like me? Mum took him to town last night on the condition that he’d spend some more time with me. Fuck that, I don’t want to see him if it’s just part of a deal. I don’t want to see him off his face, but I don’t want to see him and just sit and watch T.V because I might as well be at home doing it.

I feel very under whelmed this morning. I had a dream about Rob, it was lovely.

He fucking replied, you'll have to excuse his spelling and grammar, he's a fucking moron.

Ok, i know this probably isn't worth much and i'm sorry for that but i'd just like to say a few things. Having read that and looking back over what happened and how i was months on i know i was wrong i treated u so badly and i did wallow in self pitty as i wasn't strong enough to be what you needed at the time as much as i wanted to be and wish i had been. I loved you to the bitter end of our relationship and still feel a lot for you as i think your one of the strongest people i have ever mett. As for the Facebook invite i joined facebook and everyone in my msn contacts got automaticly added so i am sorry for that. I know nothing i can say will make anything i did any better and wish i could fix things and turn back time as i hate the way i was and hope that if it happened today i would be a stronger more mature man and have been able to help.

If you ever need me I am here for you and i know that i am probably the last person in the world you would want to talk to but if its between talking to someone and killing yourself i would rather you thought that you could still talk to me rather than do that.

I'd do anything to show how sorry i am and fix things between us even remotely, name your price i'll pay it.

I hate that you are so scarred by what happened and know i don't deseve anything from you but i would give anything to be able to help, I'm not the man you once new i am a lot stronger.

This mail has made me realise a lot and i hope it has helped you sending it.

I'm always here for you and know i'm sorry doesn't do justice to how i feel and what i must do to be on the way to you forgiving me even.

Your an amazing woman and i truely mean that i do still love you and hope you can feel better

Leigh

I feel really sad right now. Not desperate like I have been feeling recently, just a bit sad at how I let things get to this. I have fucked up so badly recently. I don't know how I will ever make this up to people. I'm sat in my room alone. I have no-one to talk to in Bristol. I miss Rob, I miss Spam and Nat. There is no-one home, this is so hopeless. I can't do any more to help myself and it's not happening quick enough. I need some help

I sent Leigh the email. I don't want a reply

I’m feeling really good today; I’d say about 7/10 which is my best day in a long while. I have felt a lot more energetic than yesterday, and have kept occupied too.

Last night I was looking at pictures on Robs Facebook, and I saw next to a picture of me and him he had written “The Love of My Life.” Things between us for the past week have been shite to say the least, and it made me cry reading that, because after all of this I know he still loves me. I text him to say I’d seen it, and he told me he hadn’t gone camping in the end, and had read my Saturday entry and it had got to him. I was pretty harsh about him and I think some other things upset him too. He said he won’t be reading it anymore. I was disappointed to hear that. Whilst I completely understand that some of the things I said might make him feel uncomfortable, there are certain things I want to share with him, but I’m really not sure I will ever be able to openly discuss them with anyone.

I know I need to talk about it in my counselling, but right now I simply can’t. I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up, let alone voice how I feel. To be honest I don’t even know how I feel. It needs to come out but it just feels wrong. I need to discuss it with Graham, because my number of sessions with him are limited, and I think it is something intrinsic to why I feel the way I do about myself. But I just can’t. I think that this is a whole can of worms that right now I am not ready to even acknowledge exists, let alone open. I’m so scared of what is going to happen. What if trying to tackle this makes me even more mental than I am right now? I wonder if in my hypnosis-like therapy sessions they can just make me forget about these things again. But then again Graham has said he thinks that is where my problems lie; that I have just tried to get over things without actually giving myself time to heal from them first. I feel a bit trapped right now. I shouldn’t dwell on this right now, I was feeling good.

So Rob said he wanted to know about this when I was ready. I’m not sure if I will ever be ready. I want him to know, but I’m not sure I can make the words come out of my mouth. It took me fifteen minutes to tell my first counsellor I was raped. Besides, I’d have to see him to tell him, and properly seeing him is going to be months away. It’s not really something I can just drop in during a weekend visit.

Mum, Norma, and I went to see Granny and Arfie earlier. Bless Granny, she has a memory like a sieve and asked me the same questions she asked me on the phone yesterday all over again. Then the puppy took a shit on the carpet and that was the end of that. We came home, and I went to meet Ju and Vicki in the pub for Sunday lunch. I didn’t even know it was Sunday; I’ve got no fucking idea what day of the week it is because I’m not working at the minute. I had a massive roast dinner, it was average but I was well up for it. I had a lovely afternoon with them, it was pretty light hearted, and just what I needed. Vicki as usual has stayed at some random boys’ house the night before and had some pretty amusing tales to regale us with. I was only there for two and a half hours which was perfect. Lengths of time longer than that seem to feel quite daunting at the moment, I’m not sure why. I’m quite tired now; it must still be the medication. Although I didn’t sleep very well last night, I woke up at 2.30am and had to read for ages to be able to sleep again. I’m just going to watch a lot of shit T.V tonight and play with the puppy.

Rob text me earlier just to say he loves me ad he hoped I was feeling a bit better. I like texts like that because they just let me know that he’s thinking about me. I’m quite happy to have the distance between us when I feel secure in the situation. I don’t mean secure like everything’s going to be fine with us, just secure in knowing that he feels the same way as me.

I might write again tonight, if not I’m going for a drink with Pad tomorrow. I wanted to go see This Is England but he’s already seen it so I might see it with Russ on Wednesday instead. I’ve also got Mum on a promise that she’ll take me too the zoo before I go back! My sick note runs out 30/06 but she’s trying to get me to go to Spain with her for 5 days After Glastonbury and after Pete and Freda’s party. I can’t really be sick from work to go gallivanting off to Spain, and I might be well by then anyway. Mum seems to think I’ll got signed off again after but I’m not sure I’ll want to. I’m getting bored already, and I do want to get back to Leeds to sort my future out

I definitely feel better than earlier. This morning was a really shit start to the day, and reading over my last post, I can see I was being pretty venomous. I felt really hurt he won’t see me, and I reacted in a bad way. It just pissed him off more. I’m not really surprised by that.

I slept in until about 3pm today. I think coming off the Citalopram is making me tired, and I’ve definitely been feeling really dizzy, and I’ve had a headache all day. Some of my dizzy spells have been really long too, almost comparable to how I felt when they gave me the anti-sickness drug after my overdose. I feel a lot calmer right now, but just really emotionally drained. Feeling this lacking in energy is stopping me going out and right now is just making me feel more depressed I think. I still need to unpack my stuff, I just need the motivation. I think I will have a bath after too.

I was thinking about last night and what made my mood turn so quickly. I was really happy to see Pad, because he is a really comforting and safe person to have around. Things with him have been a bit complicated recently. He told me he loved me, I didn’t react very well, and then he started being really shit towards me. I think we both have a lot of time, and a lot of love for each other, and last night he could kind of tell I needed him as a friend. I think I’m going to see him at some point this weekend, he really does mean a lot to me which is sort of weird because I don’t see him very much. I just want things to be how they used to be with me and him, a lot less complicated and a lot more honest. So yeh, seeing Pad and having a chat with him made me happy, and then at The Croft I saw loads of people who I’d not seen in ages, which was also great.

I think the turning point was when Wilson was really pissed (Wilson and Russ had been drinking pints of Scrumpy stupidly fast) and he started trying to have a heart to heart with me. Drunk people have an awful tendency not to let things go even if you’re obviously looking awkward. I tried to say (multiple times) that I’d rather talk to him when he was sober, and he started telling me how much everyone loves me and saying “no Chlo, but I actually do love you.” I know he loves me, I love him too, the same as I love all of my close friends. The problem was when he started going on about a conversation he’d had with Si Jones about me, I didn’t even want to fucking know what kind of stuff they were saying. Then Wilson started going on about how Tackle had said I was “high grade” and how he (Wilson) would love to shag me. My face sort of dropped, but he just carried on going on about it, I think he got that I didn’t want to hear it after a while and said sorry.

I love my friends in a pure, non complicated way. Why can’t that be returned? How are my views about men ever going to change, if even when talking to me about wanting to top myself, Wilson manages to finish the conversation by telling me he’d love to have sex with me. I’m fucking sick of having to think about boy’s ulterior motives. I would absolutely love to get Pad round here one Saturday, cook him tea and watch a few films or something and have a smoke. But it can’t happen because I have to worry about him getting the wrong idea, and although he makes me feel safe and when I see him next and explain all the shit that has been going on, I will probably want a hug, I couldn’t ever hug him because I have to maintain a distance with him or he might get the wrong idea. I just wish everything was less complicated with all of them. I don’t want to hear that my friends want to sleep with me; I only want Rob to think of me in that way. I wish I was invisible to all other men.

I think that whole issue is what upset me last night, it just made me feel really uncomfortable, and when I was right at the edge of my comfort zone anyway, I just wanted to leave. Saying that though, Pad waited for my Mum with me outside, bless him. He must have missed most of the band that we paid to see. He isn’t a lightweight like the other boys though, so he was pretty sober and we had a good chat. I really do wish he didn’t feel the way he feels about me because I would like him to be a bigger part of my life, but I wouldn’t be comfortable making any more effort with him whilst he still feels like this.

I have just read over this, and I sound like a right moany bitch whining because people fancy me. If I was normal, I’d probably love it.

I have to go unpack now, I’m going to see Granny and Arfie for coffee tomorrow morning, or water in my case. It will do me good to get out of the house. I am supposed to be seeing Ju and Vicki in the afternoon but I will see how I feel nearer the time.

I woke up feeling really shit this morning, probably because of last night, and it led to an argument with Rob. Whilst we are barely speaking and he is insisting we can’t see each other, it’s going to keep being like this. Because I know he loves me, I can’t just let it go. And knowing he is not making contact with me, and probably not even thinking about me really hurts. I just want him to say “yes Chloe I’ll see you next weekend” or something and then I can be more positive and count down days or something, rather than getting annoyed because he isn’t calling me. When I first mentioned that I should go home ages ago he promised he would come see me, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Now he’s too fucking busy. Who the fuck are these girls coming to visit anyway and why am I not allowed to meet them? I do just feel let down by him, not because he couldn’t cope with this, but because he just wants to get on with things without me. I’m only acting the way I am because he is acting like he isn’t fucking bothered. He read that post about Leigh yesterday, why doesn’t he see that feeling let down by people is a fairly important issue for me right now? Fuck it, he won’t see me, he won’t call me, he just wants to shout at me. Fuck him. I just want some passion, and some enthusiasm. I’m not going back to Leeds until he expresses more emotion about this, I want to restart my life up there anyway, but if I go back up with the intention of doing that, and he’s still treating me like a fucking yo-yo then I’ll probably just end up back in the mess I’m in now. My mood is like a constant rollercoaster, and I do think that can be partly attributed to the fact that some days he loves me more than anything, and the next day I’m pathetic and needy and he wants rid. So yeh, fuck him. Right now I’m trying to sort my own head out, and he’s just making it worse, by being as spiteful and thoughtless as ever. I’m meant to be going to Leeds next week sometime to get my stuff, but I won’t be telling him when, or posting it on here until afterwards. If I saw him he’d probably cry a bit, make some promises which he knows he won’t keep, we’d end up having sex, and then he’d just go and break them a few days afterwards. That seems to be the trend recently. He’s going camping this weekend with his family; at least I know he’s not out in town trying it on with anything that moves. I asked him about that earlier, and he got really angry, as if I have no right to be suspicious of him. I fucking hate him right now. I want to die.

Last night was awful, I was fine for a bit, Wilson, Russ, Pike, and Pad were all out. My mood was good, despite not drinking and then we got the The Croft. All of a sudden I felt really isolated and upset and I just wanted to go so Mum came to get me. Maybe I just didn’t like being sober surrounded by drunk people. It made me feel really shit. I can’t even go out with my favourite people to one of my favourite places anymore without feeling anxious. It just happened in a space of a few minutes, I can’t really explain.

Right now I feel really fucking low, Rob is sending me hurtful text messages and to be honest everything he is saying is probably true. I’m worthless, and needy and pathetic. No wonder he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I fucking hate myself. I wish I was starting to hate him.

I want to send it in an email to him

Leigh,

You have attempted to contact me a few times in the past few months. You have sent me a couple of texts, a few messages on msn, I saw you in The Mall, and you tried to add me on Facebook. I’m not being rude, or ignorant, the truth is I still hate you and I want you to know why.

You probably will still not understand how much your actions have fucked me up, just like you didn’t when I finished with you but this is my final attempt to try and make you understand.

The night I was raped we went to your house, we watched a film and went to sleep. I remember it, it was fucking awful. I never told you the truth straight away. I never cheated on you, I never even thought about it. I left the White Heart that night because of your friends accusing me of cheating on you. If it wasn’t for Ben fucking Devereaux judging me by his own cheating scumbag standards, it would never have happened. I left because all I wanted to do was see you. You didn’t notice that I had blood on my skirt, and I told you the scratches on my face were from Bogie.

Three days later I told you what happened. I plucked up the courage to pour my heart out to you, partly because I needed you, but partly because I trusted you completely. You asked me for details of what happened, and when I gave them to you, you asked how it could have happened. You bluntly said that I was too big to have possibly been raped, and you said that I must have been sexually turned on or it wouldn’t have been able to happen, in your words “How did it go in if you didn’t want it to happen?” I was raped Leigh, by a man no bigger than you, because men are stronger than women. Do you think that all women who are raped want it to happen, and that if they didn’t it wouldn’t? That is fucking ridiculous. All I wanted from you was a reassuring cuddle, and for you to tell me it was going to be okay. But you sat there and you questioned me, and then you left. You left me on my own to wonder was I actually guilty of anything? And in my weak, self loathing state I decided that I must have been. That is was my fault for losing my coat that night, or that if my top hadn’t been so low at the front then it wouldn’t have happened. I now know these things are not true, but you did absolutely nothing to help me with this.

I clung to you for weeks after because you were the only thing that made me feel momentarily better. You still loved me, and you still wanted me, even when you knew how vile and disgusting I was. You would try it on with me pretty much every single night. At first I’d say I wasn’t interested, but gradually after being guilt tripped by you, and you saying it was really hurtful that your girlfriend didn’t want to have sex with you, I gave in. I relived that fucking nightmare every time we did it. I wanted to die afterwards, and I began to fucking hate you. You made me feel like I needed you.

Do you remember on holiday when I asked you to get off me and you said “why don’t you want to have sex with me when you’ve slept with everyone else I know?” Leigh you can’t even name one other person you know who I’ve been with, it’s all fucking hearsay.

Right now I am suffering from depression, I was pretty close to dying on the weekend, and I want you to know how badly you betrayed me and let me down. That sick bastard who raped me was a stranger; I don’t give a fuck about him. But I loved and trusted you, and you used all of that against me, and pretty much emotionally forced me to do whatever you wanted. Worst of all you made me hate myself more than I hate you. I am undergoing counselling at the moment to help me sort all of this stuff out; I just wanted you to know exactly why I won’t ever be your friend. I can honestly say if I heard tomorrow that you had died, I would feel nothing.

And that’s all I have to say. I don’t want a response, because a sorry just won’t be good enough and I'm not letting your words scar me anymore

Chloe

I began my counselling earlier. We were five minutes late, and I know it isn’t a lot but it made me even more apprehensive. I get really anxious when I’m late for things, I can feel my body getting really tense and I clock watch every ten seconds or so. My counselling started a bit slowly. I didn’t know what to say and Graham didn’t want to prompt me to talk about anything in particular, he wants me to address my own issues. He asked me if I had been thinking about anything a lot, and I said yes, Rob. We spoke about Rob, not for very long and Graham said it must be difficult for me to have to deal with the uncertainty of “us” especially when I’m so powerless to act. He seems like a very wise man. He said that whilst my head knows to give Rob space, and that in the long term it is best for me, my impulsions are to want to speak to him all the time. He compared it to being really hungry and having a massive plate of food put in front of you. You want to stuff your face, but in the end it will just give you indigestion, and you will be hungry again later. It seems silly now but at the time it made sense to me.

Rob always says how he thinks I rely too much on him, and that I don’t know how to make myself happy. I sort of agree with him but Graham was talking to me about this today, and I agreed with him more, but I may find it difficult to articulate the difference in what they said. Graham said that after certain events that I have experience I have almost got a hole inside my, like a painful, hurting void that I am trying to fill with anything I can. He said the only person who can fill it is me, and that it is like a child’s toy, where you have to insert the shapes but I keep trying to fit the wrong shaped block into it. (He’s good with the analogies isn’t he?) he then went on to explain how he thinks I have never dealt properly with things in my past, and that I have never given myself time, or put anything in to it. I have just sort of tried to forget it, and put it behind me, and berated myself when I couldn’t. He thinks this is where my self-loathing my stem from; an anger at myself. I’d just like to point out that I don’t necessarily agree with everything he has said to me, and that I have until next Tuesday to consider his theories, but that in proposing these things to me he is forcing me to think about things, and opening doors with a view to moving forward. I never even knew these doors existed before. He said I need to take some time to come to terms with these things, to almost mourn what happened and to be there for myself. I said I had started writing this diary and he was really happy to hear that, that it was a positive move and I was starting to give myself the time I needed.

I said that as a result of the attack, I have experience different issues afterwards especially with men in my life. With Alex, there weren’t so many issues. We didn’t really have that much of a sex life so intimacy wasn’t a problem, he didn’t like to talk about his feelings, so me not discussing mine was completely acceptable, and because all he did was see me or get stoned I trusted him completely. It worked for a while I suppose. With Rob the main issue to begin with was intimacy.
After I was raped, and me and Leigh split up, I went out and slept with countless people, trying to make myself feel better, attractive, and worth something. I never took my clothes off, I always left afterwards, and I never ever liked the people it was with, I almost disliked them more afterwards for what they had done to me. At the time I convinced myself that I was using them, and gratifying my own needs (maybe going back to filling that void Graham mentioned?) but really I was just being used by them. I’d always want to do it from behind, so I couldn’t see their face, and they couldn’t see mine. Sometimes I’d cry during it, sometimes I’d just wait until afterwards to sob.

So with Rob, at first I could have sex with him no problem. It wasn’t like the stuff I’ve written about above, I had got that out of my system before Alex and I was in a pretty good place mentally. It was good sex, purely physical and that’s mainly why I saw him the first few times as it was so different to anything I’d experienced in a long time. Then I properly started to fall for him, everything got really intense, a million times more intimate and that’s where I started to experience the problem. Rob is a very sexual person, and I have come to realise that I am too. I can’t explain why but the whole thing was just too much for me, I would feel disgusted by myself, and just hurt so much inside, like I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Obviously Rob wanted to know what was wrong and needed reassurance that he hadn’t done anything to cause this reaction. Of course he hadn’t, at that point I adored him. I just wanted to slap myself around the face to make me snap out of it. I had the best boyfriend ever and I couldn’t forget about my past. I was also hurting him by reacting to him in this way.

Graham is all about me. He is not concerned really with how Rob felt as a result of my actions, he tries to find out why I act in the way I do and where it all comes from. He asked me where my “pull yourself together” attitude comes from, because I am obviously hurting and he thought this influence could only possibly come from an outsider. He asked me to look back and think of anyone who had this attitude towards me. I came up with Leigh almost instantly. Leigh broke my heart, he made me feel like what happened to me was my fault, and he made me despise myself. He made me feel guilty for not being able to be the girlfriend he wanted after that event. It’s two years after we broke up and I still fucking despise him. Graham said he was really glad that I had said I hated him. I said Leigh had made what happened to me even worse. I was raped by a complete stranger, but Leigh was someone I loved and trusted and he made me feel even worse. Graham thinks I need to find a way to direct more of the anger I have at myself, in Leigh’s direction because it is him who deserves it. I suggested to Mum afterwards that I write a letter to Leigh, explaining why I finished with him and why I still hate him now. I think it would do me good to get it all out. Mum said I should write the letter but not post it because I probably won’t get the reaction I want. I agree with her, and even if he was sorry it wouldn’t be enough for how he’s made me feel. I am going to write a letter to him in my next post. I honestly did not think Leigh would feature as such a big part of my counselling sessions and especially not so early on, but it is starting to make sense. Graham asked if there was anyone else I could think of who “pull yourself together” reminded me off. I said my Granddad Pete. Auntie Fran has suffered from M.E and depression as long as I’ve been in existence, and everyone always just thinks of her as lazy, or attention seeking and that she just needs a kick up the arse. I know there is something wrong with her, no-one stays in bed for days for fun. I asked my Dad last night if they feel that way about me and he assured me not. I also did say to Graham that to some extent I was glad of the “voice” saying that, because otherwise I wouldn’t have ever got anything done. He said maybe it was the case, but to some extent that voice had stopped me healing properly. I think that where the session ended, I can’t remember anymore than that of not. We booked up more sessions, two a week until 30/06/07, with the possibility of having more if I stay longer. I don’t know how long I’ll be staying yet.

Me and Mum went shopping afterwards, and I got three more pairs of shoes, I even got some lovely shoes with heels! I’m going to wear them tonight and just make sure I stand next to Pad or Lloyd all night, because then I won’t feel so freakishly tall. I also got a shirt from a charity shop, it’s a bit big but I’ve got weight to be gaining. I’ve been eating like a pig. I’m feeling really positive right now, the only thing playing on my mind is Rob, but that’s bound to be the case until I see him next.

I’m going to write my letter to Leigh next, and then I am going for a shower before Russ gets here. I’m going out tonight with the boys, just to see The Scrub, which will be fun fun fun, but I’m going home about midnight on mothers orders. That’s fine by me; I don’t feel ready to be out any longer than that for now. It’s nice to feel safe at the minute. I might not post again tonight, depending on how late I get in.

Today’s been about a 6/10, so not too bad. I've been trying really hard not to stress about things, failing momentarily every time, but managing to stop myself before getting in a state about things. Laura called me earlier after that email; I think she’d been crying. I tried to be light hearted with her but in the end I just lied and told her my dinner was ready. I wasn’t in the mood for dwelling on the past.

Went to the pub with Ju earlier, for a pudding! My favourite pudding in the world actually, and yes it was as amazing as I remembered. I couldn’t eat it all but I had a damn good try. It was nice to see Julie; she just took in everything I said and didn’t judge at all or get emotional. I purposely missed Vicki’s calls earlier because I can’t deal with over the top emotion, I’ll call her tomorrow as that was a pretty shit thing to do especially after sending her that email.

Mum took me shopping earlier. I got loads of new stuff, although I hope my tits grown back so I can wear it! I think I’ve dropped about two cup sizes already. I bought some size 8 things today, when normally I’m an exact 10, so I hope they’ll still fit when I’m back to my old size. I bought 2 pairs of shoes, a black and white chequered dress, a green dress, some chequered shorts, and a pink jumper. She also fed me Thorntons chocolate on the way round, as if I was going to turn that down.

I’m really glad Mum has the puppy. It’s keeping me occupied having to watch her and play with her all the time, she’s really fucking naughty but so loveable at the same time. I think I will miss her when I go back.

I went out to the pub with Dad tonight, just for a chat. I like my little excursions here and there, they help break up my day and give me silly little things to look forward to. Mum and Dad have been amazing through all of this, all along I’ve been concerned they might think I’m just attention seeking and that I should pull myself together, but it’s not like that at all. I love them more than I will ever be able to tell them. I do feel noticeably more positive than yesterday. I’m going to rate my overall mood with every post from now on, out of 10, just to see if there are any patterns at all.

I have my counselling tomorrow morning at 10. I’m quite looking forward to it; I just want to get cracking with my therapy now so I can put this whole mess behind me as soon as possible. I have been thinking today that maybe I should stay in Bristol after June; the thought keeps popping into my head and has been doing so for a few weeks. Whilst it seems sensible, I just really don’t want to. Everyone here has moved on from when I left two years ago, and I am not content to sit and watch the boys get high every night. I also do not want to live at home, and I think by the time I’m due to go back, I will be very bored of Bristol. On the other hand my family are here, and I need them right now. Over the next few days I’m going to start looking at things to help me restart my life when I get back to Leeds. It will keep me occupied here, and make everything less unsure about my future right now, which I think is one of my biggest problems.

I find it is better right now to take every hour as it happens and not even think more into the future than a day or two. Tomorrow I have to unpack properly, go to my counselling, and in the evening I’m going to a gig with the boys. I feel this is a big step as yesterday I said I wasn’t ready. Mum undoubtedly will want to drop me off and pick me up, and I will go home after the last band. I feel safe in this arrangement and for the moment I am quite happy to let Mum have her own way with being my guardian 24/7. She asked to read this diary earlier, I said maybe in a few weeks when these feelings aren’t so fresh. If she read it now I think I’d feel like she was too in my head, if that makes sense? I showed Rob the link so he could see how I’m feeling, and that I’m okay, and hopefully so he can see my recovery in the future. I don’t feel weird about him knowing all of this because he’s so far away. There is some form of mixed up logic there I’m sure. I love him so much. So far I am finding it really therapeutic to rant at a screen a few times day.

I am going to bed now. I feel so emotionally drained. I don’t know when the new tablets are supposed to kick in but I hope there will be an end to this hazy tiredness after about 9pm that I am experiencing recently, I could ask about that tomorrow.

I wanted them to know the truth

Hey guys,

I have something to tell you all. I'm telling you because I want people know, I need my friends around me to get better. I'll start from the beginning because I don't know how much you all know. Sorry if this is a bit of a shock, I feel weird talking about it because right now I don't feel shit.

I've been suffering from Depression for about 3/4 months now. I've been prescribed antidepressants, but recently it's gotten a lot worse. There have been a number of out of character events that I don't really want to go into. Three weeks ago I took an overdose of Paracetamol. Obviously I didn't die and after a short spell in hospital I was feeling a lot more positive, like everything was going to change, and that I was happy to be alive. I've been trying to fight my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity but the truth is that for the time being I am mentally ill, and although normally I'm a ridiculously strong person, right now I'm weak and I need to get better. I just want to be happy. To most people I seem like a happy, bubbly girl, but I am like a rollercoater. I cannot fully have fun without worrying about what is going to happen next, I cannot remember the last day when I was not hysterically unhappy at some point and I have become obsessive about stupid things.

After a couple of days out of hospital I was thinking regularly about what I could do next to hurt myself. I fought it for ages then on Saturday it got so bad I went to A&E and told them I was a risk to myself. I had a psychiatric assessment, and they sent me home and promised me they'd do everything they could to help. On Saturday night 2 doctors came to my house, and I was so hopefull, but they just gave me some numbers to call if I felt shit. I know I have to help myself but at that point I felt so hopeless and desperate that how I feel would go on forever. I was hysterical in my bedroom until about 2pm the next day, when I decided this has to be it. I won't go into details but I tried to hang myself. The rail broke and at that point Anna knocked on my door. I let her in, and she called an ambulance. We went to hospital, and they kept me in. I was told if I didn't volunteer to stay in I would be kept in under the mental health act for my own safety. Then after 2 more assessments I have been let out, on the condition that I came back to bristol with my parents for 24hr supervision. I'm receiving counselling and my medication has been changed. I have been told under no uncertain terms that if anything like this happens again, I will be sectioned. I have been signed off work until the end of June.

Right now i feel okay, I've felt pretty level since I got back, but I've also had some lows. Whilst I'm back I want to see my friends. I have to be away from drugs and alcohol at all times and I can't even drink coffee. My Mum is very reluctant to let me out of her sight for obvious reasons.

If you guys want to see me that would be good, we could go for something to eat, or to a Pub and I won't drink! I need some contact with people, I'm going even more mental sitting at home. I don't expect you to look after me, and my Mum will want to pick me up and drop me off.

I know the things that I have done are awful and selfish, and that if I had succeeded at any point, I would never be forgiven. I know all these things, and I know how ungrateful I am because I have so many amazing people in my life and I still did it. I want to get better now, and I'm taking one day at a time. What I really mean is I'm sorry, and I need you guys right now more than ever. I;m sorry to tell you all this by email but I didn't know how else to say it.

I love you guys
xxx

I tried to sleep in this morning so my day would be shorter but it was far too hot in my bedroom. So I got up and had breakfast. After dropping to just under nine stone in weight I have been making a conscious effort to eat properly in the last few days. All my clothes are too big, my breasts have shrunk enormously and I don’t feel like I look nice at all. Nor does anyone else apparently. Mum took me food shopping when we got back and we bought all the food that I love, and I’ve been trying to eat three meals a day. Breakfast has been easy, lunch has been okay although I’ve been having way smaller portions than normal, and tea has been a bit of a struggle to fit in. I’ve tried my best but not been able to eat a whole evening meal yet, and I’ve definitely not been snacking. I probably just need to gradually build my appetite back up again.

Mum caught me crying when she got in last night, I think it worried her. She was trying to talk to me and ask me what was wrong but I couldn’t really explain. She came to check on me before she went to bed under the pretence of opening my window. I think she was just checking I wasn’t dead. How exactly would she propose I did that when she has all of my happy pills and will only give me painkillers two at a time despite me having excruciating period pains. It’s my own fault.

The Rob thing….there is simply nothing I can do, nothing else I can say. He’s said it himself he’s happier without me so I have to face that now. As far as I can see it’s over for good. He’s going to realise he’s better off without me (just like everyone else will eventually). I love him more than anything but if he won’t speak to me or see me I’m powerless to stop it happening. From now on I will be making minimal contact, he deserves better than me and I have to let him move on. If I was dead or something I wouldn’t expect him to never be with anyone else, and right now I’m mentally ill, so he should just forget about me altogether. I wouldn’t want to go out with a mental bitch like me either. If he wants to speak to me obviously I’d welcome the contact but everything I do at the moment just seems to anger him, so that’s it as far as I’m concerned. I love him with everything I have to give (which at the moment isn’t a lot so maybe that’s the problem) but it’s not enough and it never will be. I’m not writing about him anymore.

I’ve just been out walking the puppy with Mum; apparently the exercise will do me good. I was in a good mood when I came back and now I’m not again. Russ is coming over for dinner so that will give me something to do, then we are going shopping this afternoon. I’m totally not in the mood to be sociable right now.

Just got in from being with Russ, Wils, Tackle and Si. I was totally not in the mood for it. I’ve been worrying about the Rob thing all night. This is probably my lowest point since the weekend. I want to go to Leeds in the next couple of weeks to see him, he doesn’t want me to. Simple as that. It’s made me question (again) how he feels about me, and made me wonder why when he says he loves me as much as he does yet he won’t agree to see me. Maybe I’m emotionally simple in that respect but I love him and want to see him. The whole thing frustrates me especially when I am so far away and he just hangs up on me, it’s like his new favourite weapon. I’m getting pretty tired of it to be honest. I am thinking he is probably just sick to death of me, but if that’s the case he shouldn’t have said certain things, or done certain things on Monday. He’s also changed his status on Facebook, it sounds pretty insignificant but it’s just illustrated the point that he thinks of himself as single, and that I’m going to be worrying every weekend now about what he’s doing or who he’s with. I can’t talk to anyone about this either really, so maybe it’s good I started writing this diary. I’m going to bed now, I feel an inevitable sob coming on first. I have no plans for tomorrow as yet so I’ll probably try and sleep for as long as possible to fill some time up. The next six weeks are going to be hell, there is nothing to look forward to, I can’t even go out this weekend because I can’t drink and will want to come home early. I think the boys are going to Croyde too, but as if Mum will let me do that. To be honest I don’t feel ready to do it either, I don’t even feel ready to go out on Friday and come home at 11. I am starting to feel like a bit of a prisoner already, I need to be in Leeds sorting stuff out for my future, because even if I get my head sorted, all this uncertainty about everything else will probably fuck it up again. O so positive tonight Chloe Green. Tomorrow I’m going to email Vicki, Rosie and Laura and tell them the situation. At first I wanted this to be a big secret but I think it’s best if everyone knows the truth so they can help me and I won’t feel awkward

Right now I feel really really low. I don't know why, somehow in the past 2 hours my mood has completely plummeted. Russell is coming over soon to watch the football (if he has petrol) which is good because I'm just sat on my own thinking. I tried calling Rob for a chat, and sent him a text but no reply so he obviously doesn't want to talk to me. The mental health people said today that I shouldn't be on my own. Ok he's here now

Today’s been a bit shit as far as they go, but not as shit as I’ve grown accustomed to lately I suppose. I’ve felt really restless, impatient and anxious all day, as if I’m waiting for something to happen, and wishing the time to pass, but there isn’t actually an event to anticipate.

I saw the psychiatric Doctor and Nurse at Yate earlier; I’m not sure how I feel about what is going to happen next. I am going to be seen by the Nurse on Friday for some counselling, it’s to be discussed how often I would like it. I think I was hoping for a higher level of care and I’m not sure they realised just how desperate I feel at times. I suppose only time will tell if this will work or not, and I shouldn’t enter into it with a negative feeling. My antidepressants have been changed as Citalopram was making me tired and maybe more agitated than usual, although as both those things are symptoms of depression, I’m not sure how they decided to switch them on that basis. Mum took the Citalopram off me yesterday, she’s scared that if I have a dip in my mood that I might take them all at once, I hadn’t even thought about it to be honest and I don’t know what effect it will have, but I was a little surprised earlier when even the Doctor suggested that Mum keep hold of them.

The Nurse seemed to “get me” earlier, Mum noticed this too, and before I thought I would have been bothered about being counselled by a man, but I felt quite comfortable with him. I did notice today that I just don’t look my counsellors in the eye; I noticed this in hospital too, and with Rob when I saw him on Sunday but I think that was shame more than anything. Maybe this will change when we have built a relationship or I become more trusting. I really hope this makes a different quite quickly, otherwise six weeks of counselling won’t really do a lot before I’m planning to go back to Leeds. We discussed briefly what needs to happen next, and the Nurse (his name is Graham so I will call him that from now on) said he notices I have a lot of anger, and hurt and upset in things I talk about, but that I seem to chastise myself for feeling this way, and direct these negative feelings at myself rather than at where they actually come from. This rings quite true for me I suppose. He also said that I seem to loathe myself for not being able to be the person I used to be, when I need to give myself time to overcome the “trauma” I have encountered. I completely do agree with this to a certain extent but I do not think this on its own will solve my problems; we will have to wait and see. I am quite looking forward to getting stuck into this now, it’s been spoken about for so long and over the next few weeks I will have a lot of time to devote to helping myself get better.

I went to see Pete and Freda earlier, I was a little apprehensive as Pete can be a little tactless at times. My heart sank when I walked in and Christine and Gordon were there, I was worried about what was going to be said but it was all fine. Dad had been round before to ask them not to ask me about what has happened. I don’t mind talking about the future, and telling them about my treatment but I do not want to dwell on the past. I feel enough shame and guilt about it already. They made me lunch and then I went to see Trace, who I had a proper chat with. I know everyone has probably had a cry about this, and are really worried about me, but to my face they have all been very rational and composed which is what I need. I got a bit angry with Mum earlier. I know she is just absolutely terrified of losing me, and as my mood is so changeable, seeing me happy is not a guarantee I won’t do anything silly, but she can’t watch me forever. Sometimes Mum reverts back to Jakki the Probation Officer mode and speaks sternly and points her fingers and that’s what she did today. It never has (and never will) provoked a positive reaction in me, and that’s why I got pissed off earlier. I said I could walk to see Tracey, and Mum told me I had to wait for Trace to come and get me. I see her concern, and I know I’m stubborn but I will not be TOLD what to do. I told her I’d wait for Trace to get me, but that she shouldn’t order me to do things. I think she understood my problem, and I understand why she was doing it. I think I’m just watching the football tonight with Russ. I spent last night with him, and it kind of got me down because we didn’t really talk and whilst the T.V was on I had a lot of time to myself to think about things. I don’t really like watching T.V as it’s not a 100% distraction like a conversation is.

I miss Rob. I miss his arms around me, I miss him kissing my nose, I miss the way he smells, I miss his hairy chest against my face. I know things haven’t been right with us for a long time, but even through all of the shit I have found some comfort in these things. On Sunday when I saw him I could tell how much he loves me and it made me really sad because after everything I’ve put him through he shouldn’t feel like that. I want to get better for me, but I also want to get better for him, and then I am going to be the best girlfriend there ever was. I am so scared of losing him altogether. For now he’s not even my boyfriend, and that fucking hurts. I can’t ask for more than this though. I just want him to call me, or text me. I know he’s keeping his distance for my own good but as I’m sat at home 24/7 I have little else to think about.

I still feel really restless right now, I want it to be tea time so I have something to do but it’s not and I’ve got about an hour to kill. I can’t go downstairs because everyone else is down there (Tony’s parents are staying for a couple of weeks) and I’m sick of talking to people today. I can’t watch T.V as in the T.V remote pecking order I'm probably last. Fuck knows.